Thursday, December 17, 2009

Inferiority Complex

Well, I'm back again. After more than a month of absence from this blog. Not like my readership is damn high or anything, but I hope the few of you that do check my blog would have missed me. Anyways, there are plenty of stuff on my mind right now that aren't really suitable to be posted online. No, nothing R-rated. But just personal stuff.

December is always a bittersweet month for me. There's so much to get done and so little time to do it in. Family, Hall Prod, school. All clamouring for my attention and I honestly feel like I've been neglecting the more important things in life. I have to start being at home more often from now on. I think when all else in life is getting you down, that's the one place that can really make you feel better. Hall has become somewhat of a chore for me now. It seems like the stuff that we do is really quite pointless and doesn't really have much bearing on what happens to you after you graduate. I just need a place to stay that's nearer to school for the sake of convenience. I don't want all the crap and needless headaches that come with it.

Humans are interesting creatures. I think that while we all crave for attention and the feeling of being wanted, sometimes it's also best to just be alone and not worry too much about what's happening around you. Too many distractions, too many sleepless nights and too many troublesome situations that are really avoidable. Yet the need to feel wanted and have a place to belong seems to override all these difficulties and worries. The ironic part about it is that we do have a place where we are wanted and needed. And that is home. Not the pseudo home that we have created but the one given to us at birth. I concur that at times it really feels like family issues are meddlesome and take away from the fun of being with friends. But I put this across to you. Who are those most likely to stick by you when shit hits the fan? Yes, friends may come to help lighten the burden, but no one cept family will be willing to help you carry your burdens on your behalf.

Questions of God have been crossing my mind lately. I haven't been going to church regularly for some time now because of my growing doubts. This is not to say that I condone "ungodly" behavior or such. But ritualised worship has me doubting our ways to achieving holiness, Nirvana, reaching heaven, whatever you may call it. Would the burning of incense appease God? Would the rituals we practise gain favour with Him? All these practises, laws, ceremonies are at the end of the day nothing but man-made. Vatican Law has been revised over and over again by men. Undoubted called Men of God, but Popes and Bishops are still but human beings and their word cannot be assumed to be the will of God.

There is some virtue in ritualised worship. Prayers like the Our Father and the Hail Mary are verses that are well embedded in my mind and reciting them is truly child's play. And prayer like that where your mind turns off and your focus is blurred is when I feel your spirit really connects with Him in the purest form. When you consciously have a conversation with God, you tend to think about what you need and how you ask it. Your mind actually becomes a barrier to conversing with Him as you are not asking for what you really need and instead what you THINK you need. Ask not for results. Ask for means to get those results. Reciting prayers takes your focus of what your mind is telling you that you need.

Sometimes I just long for a way out of this downhill spiral that I seem to have gotten myself into. While I willingly accept that we should always be responsible for the choices we make in life, I can't seem to find a way to get out of what may very well be the worst decision I have ever made. I have truly been humbled, brought to my knees and, dare I say it, defeated by this short period of time that I've been in school. I might have bitten off a little more than I can chew.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Can't Help Falling

It's been an awful semester for me. Emotionally, academically, socially, whatever I've done and not done. It's just been bad. I just feel that in the past few months, all I've been through is negative growth.

Since early in the sem, I've been in a regressive state. I've wanted so much to say what's been on my mind. But circumstance, though more often than not, excuses, have prevented me from relieving this pressure that I've been feeling for the past couple of months. We might as well be strangers. I really feel like we're living in different worlds now. It's an extremely unpleasant feeling to need someone more than they need you.

I can't seem to get myself to study either. It's like everything that I'm supposed to be learning in school is so far over my head that I automatically turn off. I think the worst part of it all is that I don't see any way out. I'm here at the verge of failing every single module I'm taking this sem and the more I look at the pile of notes in front of me, the less I feel capable of doing anything about it. It's just a downhill spiral that I don't know how to get myself out of.

Never short of negativity. I just can't seem to find a way around everything. It's an impossible task when you feel so passionate about something and no one else is willing to commit themselves to the level that you have. It's draining both mentally and physically.

I've just been stagnant in every area of my life. I have not done anything one could consider an accomplishment.

"You are my strength when I am weak
You are the treasure that I seek
You are my all in all"
- You are my All in All

These words have always given me comfort. When I mourned my grandmother's passing, when I was feeling down just before A's. But somehow it's failing me now. Have I gotten so low to the point that even words of worship can't salvage my situation?

Thursday, October 22, 2009

King of kings

Heys! I'm back!

Anyone miss me?


Awww. Damn.

It's been a hectic past month. What with holding meetings, canvassing for funds, school, lab reports (I could go on), workshops, performances, projects (I told you I could), etc etc etc (for the sake of your time I'll just stop there). And yes, I know the liberal use of brackets in that last sentence does look a little odd. But that's the fun of it isn't it?

Come to think of it, nothing much has changed in the past month of so. School stills sucks to high hell, Hall Prod's still frakking awesome, my personal life is still in shambles and facebook is still top of my most visited website list. Probably the only thing that has changed is amount of JD left in the bottle on the shelf above my desk and the fact that I'm out of beer.

I did, however, have an awesome time at the workshop on saturday that MTL organised. They managed to get Elaine Chan (of Dimsum Dollies fame) down and she spent some time with my three MDs and myself. It was amazing how under the right guidance, the creative juices were flowing and we came up with a really cool new verse for one of the songs that we're looking for on the new musical. It was seriously fun. To just sit down and write with a professional like her.

Student life is absolutely brilliant. It really is a blast. Cept for the studying bit. That kinda dampens the fun. Take that out, and everyone would wanna stay in school forever. But there is quite alot of shit that would need dealing with. Now, as a sophomore and as a co-chair of a committee, I realise there is quite a lot of pressure and expectation that comes with the position. At risk of sounding incredibly cheesy, I have to say that I miss the carefree days spent as a freshie. It just seems that everyone is so busy nowadays. There's hardly time for all of us to sit in the corridor and chillout like last year.

Whatever it is, there's change in the air.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Prodding Whores

Well. Finally. We've managed to settle our committee and now work can really begin on next sem's Hall Production. Exciting! It's been a tiring two days of interviews and deliberations but at least now that's all over, we can finally get down to doing some actual work. By work, I meant we can start full scale production. Don't get me started on school. Haha.

I'm really stressed about this year's production. I don't know about everyone else, but I do consider last year's production to be a resounding success. The fact that we received acclaim from external organisations and other theatre groups showed the level of musical we managed to develop from such a rag-tag group of people, most of us not having any prior experience in stage work. So the "valueaddedness" that we brought to LFT was fantastic. This year is a totally different story. We have so many freshies that have experience in theatre and who know what they are doing. So if we don't come up with something good, I would think that it would be a phenomenal waste of the talent and expertise that we have managed to bring into Hall Prod.

Obviously, as a co-Producer now, I would not want to see s.t.a.r. Productions take a fall during my tenure and I'm working my best to make sure that it doesn't. But having minimal exposure to stage before having joined last year, I think my biggest area needing improvement would be my foresight. With respect to a stage production, I have not yet developed an eye for seeing how things might go wrong and where that damn Murphy might step in and enforce his laws. So I'm just hoping and praying that I'll be able to get things right.

But after all's said and done, I do have to remind myself that I'm a student first and foremost. It's not that I like living in regret and wallowing in self-pity, but I really feel like I'm suffering in school. There is nothing in school that I really look forward to. I can work with my classmates, but they're just not the type of people that I typically gravitate to and so often I find myself heading directly back to hall after class instead of hanging out with them. It's not that I'm trying to be or that I am anti-social, but I just feel like I'm on a different frequency from everyone else. It's like in class when the rest of them start discussing some far off theorem or solving some unsolvable equation. I'm just sitting there while everything is going over my head and I'm totally lost in all the dy/dx-es and the integration and the Greek symbols so often used in physics and so on and so forth. This sem is looking like it might not be a good one for me academically. I'm just hoping my electives will be able to pull me up.

To be honest, I'm really confused right now. There are pluses and minuses in my life right now. But I haven't a clue about how positive or negative my life is right now. I just feel a certain hollowness about things right now that I don't how to fill. I wish I had the guts to take my life into my hands and do something. I just watched Apple's video of the talk MJ had with Keone Madrid and he said something that struck out to me. He said something along the lines of how talent is nothing unless you explore and develop it. I'm paraphrasing here so it's not an exact quote. I'm not trying to say that I'm uber talented and stuff, but what I mean is that when people mention my name, I don't want people to remember me as the guy that they thought had potential in something or other. I want people to remember me for having done something of significance and of meaning to them. I'm not looking for fame. Fame's overrated. I'm looking for the gratification that comes with having accomplished something. And I hope I'll find it someday.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Stronger than Yesterday

Yes. Britney totally rocks. Love her to bits. Schoolgirl outfits are totally right for the wrong reasons.

Anyway, Jash kinda blew. Haven't drank like that for a pretty long time and I guess there were a lot of things that I haven't settled internally. Can't believe I was stupid enough to crack like that. I guess I didn't realise that it was that much of an issue to me. I thought I was over it all. Trivial matters like that should not affect me to that kind of extent. I might have scared a few of my blockmates for which I sincerely apologize.

I guess karma did really come round to bite me in the ass. Break at the risk of being broken yourself.

I don't wish to indulge in self-praise, but I do like this piece I wrote a while back. Enjoy.

The Fool
Behind the seemingly happy facade
Beneath the lies that he spreads
Locked within the heavy heart
Lies nothing but a lonesome boy
Under the guise of a playful soul
Trapped by feelings left untold
Lost in his own ravished mind
All he hopes for but cannot find
No further than the apple from the tree
Yet farther than the eye can see
Hidden behind these shameless rhymes
Lying down to sleep, he cries
Not for silly dances in the rain
Not for the sake of a fool's game
But for the warmth of her tender touch
As she falls into slumber's silent arms

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Wonderful Tonight

Yes! Finally something good to write about here.
We have (at long last) finished all the work on the Mistaken soundtrack!! Awesome. After all the months of slogging trying to get everyone down, the multiple layers we had record for each track, the reviewing of the edited tracks. It's finally done. Will be launching it during the FOC comm introduction night as a sort of publicity for Hall Prod so hopefully that will drum up some publicity as well as some revenue for Hall Prod. Really hope that this works out fine.

Plus, I had a really good talk with Apple over dinner and bounced ideas off him for next year's production. Ideas flowing left, right and centre. Amazing. Seriously need to do more of that if we're gonna come up with another solid performance. Yays! Excitement builds yet again. The many stages of production show their faces once again. The love stage, the love-hate stage, the hate-to-high-hell stage, the love-it-to-bits stage. Basically varying degrees of love and hate for Hall Prod. Aye. The mood swings begin.

Saturday, July 11, 2009

Growing Pains

Yea. Everyone goes through some growing pains once in a while. Not just the physical pains but the emotional ones too. I hate blogging about stuff like this. But sometimes talking helps get things off your chest.

Don't you think it's pretty weird. Emotions are created in the brain and shouldn't really affect anything else. But you do seem to have actual heart pains when you go through tough times and emotionally draining periods. I doubt there is much physiological linkage between the heart and brain in terms of feelings and stuff, but it just happens yea?

I guess learning to deal with such events in life are all part of growing up. It doesn't mean that it doesn't suck big time to have to deal with them, but just know that you are not alone. When you think about how much your life sucks, just know that there is someone out that who has it way worse off than you do. Doesn't make the problems go away, but it sure as hell makes you feel slightly guilty for feeling so down.

I guess life's not too shabby for me. Like I told a friend, where you fall short, the Man upstairs comes in and fills up the void. Experienced first hand with my subject registration problems. It's in people that cannot make the mark that God does his most awesome work. And trust me, He's got plenty of work where I am concerned. I seem to falter every step of the way.

Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path. (Psalms 119:105)
That has to be one of my favourite bible verses and an excellent pick-me-up in my bad times. Hope it can do the same for you.

I guess the thing that brings me down sometimes is the feeling of being alone. Partially my fault cuz I'm way too insular to open up fully to other people. It may sound strange to some people, but despite the smiley happy exterior is a troubled being inside. Bottling up stuff is not good for you. It festers in you and develops into a full blown infection if you're not careful.

I might take a hiatus from blogging for a while. Cuz I like my blog to be a happy sunshine kind of place and not the emo kid kind. And so, if I don't have anything nice to blog about, I figure I just shouldn't blog at all. So there.

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Synthetic Organism

Sometimes I really feel like Job. Obviously not to the extent of having my family and everything I own taken away from me. But I do sometimes feel like God is testing me. Distractions that are taking me away from the job at hand and my general inability to focus on what I'm supposed to be doing.

It's also at times like this when I turn back and look at my faith. I just can't forget everything, put my faith in God and pray that everything will be alright. I mean, it's not possible to do nothing all day but pray and then still expect to get As every exam. There has to be some amount of human effort involved. I don't pray for good grades. I pray for the strength and focus to do what is needed to get good grades. Even then, it wasn't enough.

Sometimes I ask Him, you could say I even beg Him. What do You need from me? What do I have to offer and where is my place? I've yet to get an answer.

My friend just commented on Facebook something along the lines of how we always seem to remember all the bad things in life, like our failures and our shortcomings, and forget all the wonderful things that have happened, like our victories and our good times. But, being the pessimist that I am, I also think that it is wrong to forever harp on the things that we have accomplished in life and forget about the times that we have not been able to live up to expectation. But you think that through our failures, we can find ways to victory?

Sure it's easier said than done. I'm not the only one that knows that through failure we learn the way to success. But I just don't seem to be able to implement those lessons learnt in my life. It's like I'm stuck in a never ending downhill spiral. Sure there are the ups here and there. But all that seems to come from those ups are a false sense of security and a faint hope that everything will be better from now on.

Sprinkle some Fairy dust, think happy thoughts and you can fly, you can fly, you can fly. Wish I could remain a boy just like Peter Pan.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Going out of my Mind

Ah fcuk it. No, seriously.

Bon Jovi has some of the best rock balland lyrics ever. Was listening to Bed of Roses over and over again. Like woah.

Can I drown my sorrows at the bottom of a bottle of JD? Cuz alcohol is sorrow's only nemesis.

Dammit. Don't feel like writing anything.

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Zac! Eat Sam's shorts.

Check this out. Bloody good stuff. Had me laughing all the way thru... Awesomely funny musical.

Friday, June 12, 2009

Headaches Aplenty

Take two panadols and see me in the morning.

Unfortunately, my headaches are that easy to get rid of. It's kind of a turbulent time with all the talks about Hall Allocation and stuff. Who gets to stay next year and who doesn't. I'm kinda miffed (putting it lightly) at the way that certain priorities were set this year. I'm not being biased cuz of my position or anything. But I think there was totally no consideration for our hall's strong points and for the people that have contributed so much. Sigh. Shall not get into it. I'm not a politically inclined person so I won't get into details about what I think. I'm the type that if I feel strongly enough for something, I will say my mind even if it's not the "politically-correct" thing to say.

Arrh... Fuck it lah. I'll take two tequila shots over those panadols anyday.

Monday, June 01, 2009

State of Mind

You know how sometimes life throws you a curve ball? You don't really know if you should take a swing at it or just let it by. I'm not sure of anything right now. Some of my friends have been telling me that this isn't worth my time. Some have been telling me that there is a fighting chance. But I think I naturally tend towards the negative as a defensive mechanism.

(Confusion enter stage right. Exeunt Certainty and Control stage left.)

I just feel like what we have and had are nothing more than a working relationship. Nothing more than a friendship of convenience. Whoever said that absence makes the heart grow fonder should be shot in the balls and hung upside down until death. Distance seems to want the extinguish the flames and I don't wanna be that kind of person who just gives up over and over again. There are somethings that are worth fighting for. Is this one of those things?

Friday, May 29, 2009

Wouldn't Have it Any Other Way

I suppose some people are quite surprised at the way I'm reacting to my results. Personally, I don't know why the surprise. It's not that I don't care but simply because I understand that the amount of effort put in is equal to the returns that I get back. And the returns from this sem was precisely what I deserved.

Do I regret not working harder? Well. No. Before anyone gets on my ass and starts screwing me, let me just say that I don't believe in regret. What you have done is what is done. I enjoyed all the things that I have done and accomplished in the last semester and I wouldn't have it any other way. You can't change what you've done and the resultant consequences so the past is nothing more than a history lesson. You can learn from it, but you can't use it to change your present. It can however be used to change your future. And that's what you should be aiming to.

I guess this just means that I'll have to turn a lot of things around next sem.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

The Sandwich Meridian

Mediocrity. There I said it. The M word. Why does being mediocre have such a negative connotation to it? I don't think that being ordinary is necessarily a bad thing altogether. Is being normal abnormal? Is there something wrong with leading a quiet life? Why is this blogpost rife with rhetorical questions?

To me, it doesn't seem all that bad to life out your life peacefully in stereotypical manner with the wife and two kids, driving a medium sized family car. Sure it would be fun as hell to take the Ferrari or Lambo out for a spin, but is all the extravagance really necessary? Maybe to some it is. But I'd be just as contented with my Toyota Corolla with my family strapped in.

I'm not making an excuse for under achievement. I do not think that whatever talents we have should ever go to waste. But I also don't agree with the mentality that if you're not pushing your limits, then you're just another under achiever. While pushing the boundaries of your abilities will improve you as a person, it comes to a point when that pushing stops being a method of excelling yourself and starts becoming the goal. What I mean is that sometimes, we strive so hard to improve and break records that we forget to look back and be proud of the things that we have already achieved.

They say that pride comes before a fall. In my opinion, pride this case is not so much being proud but instead means being over confident. I do not see what is wrong in taking a step back and taking pride in what we have already managed so far. What I'm saying may sound very contradictory at times, but I also believe that while it is good to be proud of what we have already accomplished, we should also not just rest on our laurels.

Basically, what I'm trying to bring out is that all things require a sense of moderation (another M word). It is the balance between pride in past achievements and endeavour in future work that makes a person truly well-rounded. Pushing our limits versus stepping back and admiring the view.

Life is like a sandwich. I know it's corny but bear with me for a while. The way I look at it, the stuff in the middle is what make a sandwich a sandwich. A PB and J is PB and J 'cuz of the peanut butter and jelly. A cheese sandwich is a cheese sandwich because of the cheese. So your life is should not be judged by the bread that is the extreme good or bad that you do occasionally but by the filling that is how you lead your life most of the time.

Well, like it or not, I am perfectly content with leading my life smack in the middle. I do not aim to be the next Bill Gates, nor do I intend to let what ability I have go to waste.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Running Dry

Okay, I know I've been bitching about how I can't wait for the exams to be over and how there are so much that I wanna do. But now, almost a month into the hols, I have accomplished nada. [edit] I just learnt that the submission deadline for Mini Musical 09 is 31st July. Hurray for procrastination!![/edit] Goddamit!! I think it's the waking up past noon problem. Haha. Cuz by the time I wake up, there is only so much of the day left so you end up not really doing anything. And by the time you start doing something, it's time for dinner and you'll prob end up slacking off after dinner as well.


I really need a job. But I'm not really doing anything proactive with regards to finding one. I guess if I wait long enough, a job will fall out of the sky. Hopefully something not to tiring with good pay.

*looks up at sky*

*realises he's indoors and jobs don't fall from ceilings*


Well. I can't say I haven't been enjoying the do-nothing-but-slack-all-day lifestyle but I really need to get off my butt and do something constructive.

Kayaking, anyone?

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Infernally Internal Affairs

I wanna say something, but at the same time I don't think that I should. But it's killing me inside lah. I need to do something about it.

That's what next week is for, I guess. Where is my interrogator when I need to talk!

Monday, May 04, 2009

Of Sun, Sand, Sea and Beer

Okay. I need to say this. AWESOME PAST WEEK...

It's been a week since exams ended and it's seriously been a blast. Three days in Tioman, great weekend, puke-filled Saturday night and a power fun night at Pump Room just now.

Tioman was seriously best. I haven't been so relaxed in a long long time. I've had many things on my mind so it was nice to just go there and chillax. Cold beer in one hand, starry skies above. I just wish that we were there right now to enjoy it. Snorkelling was pretty awesome. The reef there was beautiful. Lorba and I saw this gigantic parrot fish. No kidding, it was like 1.5m long? Swam right at us and we were like woah.... My facebook wall is totally swamped with tags in videos and pics now. Heh heh. Video sluts and cam whores unite!

Spent the weekend back at hall getting drunk with some of the others and the graduating peeps. Will miss them in hall. Also spend most of Sunday morning cleaning up the puke in the toilet. Not so enjoyable. Zzzz

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Chicken or Egg?


2 : pleasure in being abused or dominated : a taste for suffering

I don't know if I take pleasure in mentally torturing myself. But I know that I always seem to torture myself by just daydreaming and wishing that something could happen. I need to go out and do something about this but that'll have to wait till my exams are over. Just that focusing on my last paper is a little difficult now. I'm just bursting with thoughts left unexpressed.

I'm stemming a flow of ideas for the two productions that I'm supposed to be writing for. Cuz I know that once I let the ideas run, I'll never get back to studying good ol' boring physics. I'd much rather be writing.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Shawty got low....

It's not my habit to blog so often. But I really have stuff to get off my mind.
I have without a doubt lost my direction in life (please no wisecracks about My idealistic ass stepped out of JC thinking that I could take on the world only to get turned around and kicked by life's big boot. I thought I had a career goal, a path for me to follow but I did not consider the possibility of failure. It is of course a failure on my part that got me here but it's so hard to pick myself up now that I'm down.

I'll like to be bitter now and blame it on everyone else. So many people, teachers, ex-colleagues and relatives, told me before I started school how uni was the best time of their lives and how A Levels would probably be the biggest hurdle to me. How wrong they were. Uni is turning out to be a nightmare. And I don't know what I'm doing anymore.

I wouldn't go as far as to say that I have a problem psychologically. I don't think it goes as far as being clinically depressed. But I do not feel like the person I was a few years ago. Is this what maturity is like? Realising the cold hard truth that is the world. If so, give me back my youth. When my only worry was trying to kick a tennis ball through a goal post consisting of someone's white canvas school shoes. Now that's a worthwhile pursuit.

My friend once asked me why all the songs I play are so sad and "emo". He was using my computer 'cause his died on him and I was on my bed randomly playing my guitar. It was only then that I realised all the songs that I play ARE sad and "emo". Even the songs that I write. "Teardrops" from a few years back. Well, it's in the title. "The Biggest Mistake" from Mistaken; the Musical. Again in the title. I'm good at writing songs that emote feelings of regret, unrequited love, heartache. Nothing in there about the joys of being with someone you love or the happiness that life brings. It's that downward spiral of negative emotions that is defeating my spirit and drive.

Talent is nothing if you don't develop it and mould it into something more. While I agree with that statement, it also has to be acknowledged how difficult it is to survive in Singapore and get paid for creative work. I'm not trying to say that I'm uber talented or something (my skin is not that thick). But I do wish that I could take my passion futher and do something with it in life. That's why I really want to do something special for Musical Theatre's musical festival. Who knows. It might be a breakout event for me? Or it could end up to be the biggest and only thing I ever do. I'll never know until I try.

Yes folks. Believe or not it's another bitch-about-my-life post from me. Totally not my style. I just feel an emptiness inside like nothing I'm doing now is making a difference. I'm not self-centered enough to say that the world will stop spinning unless I continually strive at conserving its rotation. But I would like to say at the end of my time on this Earth, that I have made a significant contribution to someone's life and wellbeing. And I feel that what I'm doing now has no bearing on that goal for me.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

When darkness falls, Your light shines ever brighter

On Tuesday before my first paper, I was honestly freaking out. I knew I wasn't prepared for it and there wasn't any more time to do damage control. That's when I thought of one of my favourite psalms or actually my favourite bible quote.

Thy word is lamp unto my feet,
And a light onto my path
-Psalms 119:105

Now. I don't normally like to preach on my blog cuz I feel that religion is personal opinion and the fact that I choose this point of view does not mean I should enforce it on others.

But that psalm and that song calmed my nerves and slowed my racing heart. So while in silent prayer, head bowed and eyes closed, I did my own personal worship. Amy Grant was right. Sometimes we all feel a little lost. And I feel as lost as guy trying to get to Albuquerque while reading a map of Central London. Upside-down.

Well. Two papers down and two more to go. I really don't know how I'm going to manage to pull myself out of this hole I've dug myself into. At least one up side was that I felt I didn't entirely screw up my maths paper this afternoon. I did leave some stuff out, but on the whole, hopefully did enough to pass.

The thought of ice-cold beers on the beaches of Tioman is the only thing keeping my sanity intact. That's my motivation for now.

There's plenty to do after the exams are over though. I need to look for a job, I need to finish writing my musical for Nov's Festival of Musicals, I need to finish up for some song writing competition that my friend wants to collaborate on, I need to start thinking about next year's production as well and I need to do something that I've been meaning to do for a while now.

Plus we haven't finished up recording and post-production on the "OST: Mistaken". And I wanna get it out there as soon as possible to try and drum up some canvassing for Hall Prod fund.

Overall, it's going to be a busy busy few months. Not to mention, I haven't got stone-cold deadbeat puke-in-the-street drunk in a long time. I've got many braincells marked out for death. And I don't intend to disappoint.

Thursday, April 09, 2009

REPENT!! The End is near

OMG. That's it. 5 days before my first paper. Crap!

Btw. For all maths students out there.
This guy is saving my ass for my MAS papers. Who says youtube is only good for a laugh.

Saturday, March 28, 2009

Staring at the Ceiling

Haven't been sleeping too well past couple of days. And all I do is just look up at the ceiling and just zone out. It's wierdly ironic. Cuz sometimes I'd just day-dream while lying there. But it's night so I shouldn't call it daydreaming really. But it's not regular dreaming-while-you-sleep dreaming. And calling it night-dreaming sounds stupid cuz the night just seems redundant. Hrmm.

You know in hall, I feel like I'm somehow cut off from the world. I've got to go downstairs to read a newspaper, I don't watch the news cuz I don't have a TV in my room and I'm not really into reading or watching news on the internet. Really sucks. Cuz I've always kinda liked writing about stuff that's happening around the world and now I'm kinda dry on subjects to write on.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Mai Kong

I think a major problem that I have is that I assume that a problem if ignored for long enough will solve itself. Obviously, that's not entirely true. If left on its own, a problem will generally not bother you until one day when it decides to come back and bite you in your big fat ass.

School is exactly like that. With all the stuff that was going on earlier this sem, I decided that school was something that I could put on the back burner while I settled everything else that had deadlines earlier than the exams. I knew I was falling behind but I just turned on my "mai kong" mentality and pushed my head further into the sand. And that is coming back to me in a BIG way.

Masking my emotions is another thing that I am proficient at except to those close to me. Those that know how to read me will know that often (though not always) when I don't react to something, it means that that issue means more to me than anything. But as with most things in my life, "mai kong" is the way that I choose to go.

Pressure. Something that we learn in physics. Basically, the more you try and cram into a container, the more force it exerts on the inner wall of the container and eventually, given enough pressure, the container will explode.

That's a little like how I feel right now. And that's affecting me in more ways than one.
Fuck... I am a bitch-all-day-about-how-sucky-my-life-is blogger.... (see previous post)

Friday, March 13, 2009

Who are you?

I've come to realise that there are three types of people in general in school. Those that are studying cuz they believe in what they are studying and that is all part of their life plans, those that able to study for the sake of study even though they don't know if that's what they'll be spending their whole lives doing, and those that are like me, who are not sure where they want to be ten years down the road and just can't bring themselves to study what they're supposed to.

Some time ago, I wrote an entry that sort of outlined my life plan. That is to get a good honours, go to NIE and come out to teach. I still want to teach and obviously, I still also want a good honours. But I just can't bring myself to study. I just can't see the practical use of what I'm doing now and I'm the type of person driven by practicality. If I don't see the point of something, then it's not worth my time.

You know, I hate blogs that contain endless post after post of how much their life sucks and posts where the writer bitches day after day about how much things suck for them right now. I get this awful gut feeling that I'm turning into one of those bloggers. Dammit.

Okay. Onto something a little less about me. Lately in NTU, people have been buzzing about the stabbing incident and the hanging incident. It is extremely unfortunate and quite worrying that two such incidents have occured within a very short time span. Can I first say that while I don't condone their actions, I feel that some sympathy have to go out to these two souls.

In a way, it is a good wake up call to those out there in positions of authority to pay closer attention to those under them and those that are directly and indirectly affected by the decisions they make. But in the same way, it is a moral responsibility to those out there to not take advantage of this situation for their own needs. In that, I mean that those in the student population cannot take this opportunity to control their tutors by acting up and "bullying" their tutors and profs into giving them free rides.

Very often, the people that get neglected are one of two things. Afraid to get help from a professional counsellor due to the social stigma that is attached to it. Or they just simply don't realise that they have a problem to begin with, until they just snap from the pressure.

I think although people are a lot more open-minded about the idea of counselling, it is the fear of the reactions of the people around them. "How will my friends react when they find out I'm having these problems?" "Will they treat me any different?" Sometimes, people will tend to overreact to those facing serious issues by treating them overly nice. By doing things that they would not normally do and trying too hard to be "correct" in what they say and how they say it. And I think for most of us, that would just make us even more uncomfortable. And it's that fear of segregation, that fear of being different that make many reluctant to get the help that they need. The herd effect is just too strong that no one would willingly let himself stand out from the crowd especially for someone facing a situation where he needs professional help which, like I mentioned earlier, still holds a social taboo.

Of course, there are also individuals out there that do not realise that they have a problem, or do not wish to acknowledge that they have a problem. Psychological problems do not always manifest themselves in the form of nightmares or changes in behavior or whatever symptoms society has branded upon it and in fact, I do believe that a person facing depression can be just as cheerful and chirpy as always. A facade is not always as easy to penetrate as people think. One could probably put on a front so convincing that he even convinces himself that it is the truth. The problem is that often, it only takes the slightest catalyst to incite Armageddon.

Columbine High, Virginia Tech. Names that have won fame for all the wrong reasons. Most recently, Albertville-Realschule school in Germany. Students that have snapped from the stresses of school and societal issues. One can only wonder why. Were these people's lives so out of their control that they chose to end them in such tragic circumstances? Their cries for attention were dearly bought. With their own blood and the blood of others. Was it because no one would give up time to hear them out or because they themselves would not bear their souls to those listening? The problem facing those trying to prevent more incidents like these, and others like the incidents closer to home, is that no one can definitely answer that question. One can only speculate the motive and the catalyst behind such a fallout. And the fact that these unhappy souls are not around to tell their stories, just makes things harder for those willing to help to help.

It is strange how people react to news of such occurrences. Jokes and nervous laughter to try and dull the inner emotions. It's almost like trying to deny that there is a problem out there by hiding it behind a smile. Maybe it's not just the individual that puts up a facade, but society as a collective putting up a fake image of tranquility.

Tuesday, March 03, 2009


"If it's not happy, it's not the ending."
- excerpt from Sleepless Town: the Musical

No. That's not the sound I make when I sneeze. And no, I did not make that word up.

Kakorrhaphiophobia is actually the fear of rejection/failure and I think to some extent all of us suffer from it. Some more than others and some with more drastic symptoms than others.

I think that the main problem I have in life is the inability to put myself out there for fear of rejection or failure. Hence the title of my post. Why would I say such a thing about myself? Well, when I look back in life, I find that most of the decisions that have changed my life have been made using the possibility of failure to rule out all other options. Like in secondary school when choosing O level combinations. I decided not to take trip science even though many of my teachers insisted that I should. Likewise, I did not take Lit because I felt that even though I enjoyed it, it was not an easy subject to score in. Thus the safe simple route was to stay in combined science and just cruise through instead of pushing myself further. Even in CCA, I decided on the safe and relatively commitment-free IT club and not the drama club.

Even in school locations, I've been very "safe". I've stayed in the serangoon area for pretty much as far back as I have clear memories of. And all my schools from primary school to JC have been within 10 mins from home. 10 mins walking, that is. NTU is probably the furthest I've been from home to study.

For those that know me well, they'll know that rejection and failure have been major shackles that have bound me in more ways than one and in more than one aspect in my life.

As much as it is true that I should not let myself be restricted by my Kakorrhaphiophobia, I just have this gut feeling that this whole escapade is going to break my heart.

But that might just be my Kakorrhaphiophobia talking. I like using the word "Kakorrhaphiophobia". It's just a ctrl+v away.
Kakorrhaphiophobia Kakorrhaphiophobia Kakorrhaphiophobia Kakorrhaphiophobia...
crap... now I'm just rambling.

Saturday, February 28, 2009


Excerpt from Mistaken; the Musical

I would tell her everyday just what she means to me.
And count the ways that I love her.
Live and breathe her.
Listen to her.
Speak to her.
Make her smile because her smile is the most beautiful thing in the world. I would tell her every night that I couldn’t live without her while she falls asleep in my arms.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Crunch time

Well. With Hall Prod finally over, I can at last get some time off to do some actual work and not be bothered with rehearsals and meetings and what not. And trust me, I have alot of catch up on. I'm doing a lot of tutorials from scratch and reading some of my lecture notes for the first time. But, if I had the choice, I wouldn't change a thing.

I wish I had the same passion for my studies as I have for everything else in life. I have so many things that I enjoy doing and I tend to concentrate on these stuff a lot more than I do my school work. Perfect example, I'm sitting here blogging with a half finished tutorial sitting in front of me.

Recently, I've been offered an opportunity to bring myself to a higher level in music and production. It's not a confirmed will-get kind of thing. But it's an open door nonetheless. An open door waiting for me to go through. And doors have been opening for me in other areas as well. It has come to the point that I can choose one and only one door to go through. And most likely, once I go through one door, all other doors will close to me.

That is the extent of the choice that is facing me at this point of time. Whether or not I can make it beyond each of the doorways is uncertain. As in, I cannot guarantee myself success in choosing one door over another. And I am still a Uni student first and foremost. My studies have really taken a hit with all the stuff that I've been doing over the past few months. I will have to really set my priorities straight even though I love what I'm doing outside much more than what I'm doing in school.

Sigh. As my neighbour said, it is not often people get the chance to do what they love as a profession. But inside, I know that often when people that pursue their passions in life, they often pay for it in other ways.

Monday, February 23, 2009


It's finally over. And I can't decide whether to be happy or sad. On the one hand, I can finally have my nights back to do whatever I want. On the other hand, I don't know what to do with them. I prob need to get studying, but that's such a chore.

I have to admit, I was tearing at the "Biggest Mistake" scene. Firstly, Dhaniah and Omar got the emotion perfect. Then, to hear the audience applaud in appreciation of the song, that just pushed me over the edge. It was such a gratifying experience to hear their approval of the jumbled up mess of chords that I started with. To see the song evolve itself from initial conception to the arranging and finally to the last performance. It was like watching a child grow from birth to being able to stand on its own two feet and hold its own in the world.

That was the overpowering sense of achievement that could only really be provided by something that simple as the clapping of hands.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Guitar GOD

Okay. This guy is FREAKIN' amazing. Take that all you guitar hero wannabes!! This is the real shit.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Where Wings Take Dream

Okay... I don't really think it mattered who won the election.
But nothing could be worse that this guy.

It's not difficult to improve on crap...

Saturday, February 14, 2009

MOE says we need to learn outside of the classroom

Sometimes we learn important lessons through our own actions and inactions. And over the last couple of days, I learnt a very important one.

Friday, February 13, 2009

Saint Rita's Day

Before St. Valentine's Day, there should be a day for all the lonely souls out there to just mope around and wonder what could have been. For V day is nothing but a commercially advertised market place holiday creating artificial demand for things that are readily available around the year and are in no danger of shortage.

If I sound bitter, that's cuz I am. I don't think I can express fully what I mean when I write here.

To me, it's just a time that rubs in salt to the wounds. Even the radio's been playing sappy love songs all night... Curse Class 95.... grrr

It's like the stars never align,
and the conditions are never right.
For the many out there, like I,
whose dreams we can not rely.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Time to Say Siao Liao

Okay. It's 12 days to the big day. And it's starting to feel like it might be a little tight. There are quite a number of things to touch up before it would really make an impact on the people watching. And there is really not enough time.

Well, with rehearsals every night until the big day, I'm sure that we'll pull through somehow.

Thursday, February 05, 2009

Is nothing sacred anymore?

I was looking at all the Superbowl ads that were posted on YouTube after the Superbowl earlier this week, and I came across this ad for Basically, it's a dating site for married people that are looking to have an affair. And their tag line is the one that really takes the icing off the cake.

When divorces isn't an option."

Frankly, I'm just disappointed. To me, marriage is more than just a legal contract. It's a metaphysical bond between two people. One may argue that humans are, when it all boils down, animals and the majority of animals are polygamous. But that's beside the point. If you wish to believe in that train of thought, don't enter into a marriage, which is in essence a vow to participate in a monogamous relationship with another person.

While I don't think divorce is a viable solution to problems in a marriage, I don't think that this extra-marital dating service is much better. Scratch that, I think it's worse. Breaching the contract is not much better than terminating it. I think it's just a lose-lose situation for both parties.

I know whatever I have just said is idealistic and naive in this "real world" day and age. But I'd like to think of it as me holding true to what I believe in.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Blasted into Oblivion

I think I'm a very self destructive person. I get too easily affected by distractions around me and problems that don't exist. It's like I just get pulled into a downward spiral created by my own doing (and often by things that I don't do). I let myself fall behind and once I see the backlog, I don't do anything to clear it so everything compounds itself and I end up falling further and further into debt. Not monetary debt but in terms of work and school and other stuff...

It's a very human tendency to want what we cannot get. We look at what others have and wish for the same. But sometimes it's not even within our ability to achieve. The grass is always greener on the other side. It's not so much of a fact as a perception. We don't realise what we have already and we look longingly at the lives of others and try to draw parallels. Why can't we have what they have? Why is life so unfair to us?

Questions that do not make sense since those whose lives we crave often look at ourselves and wonder the same things.

I admit. I am one of those that look around and long after things that are not mine to take. The forbidden fruit is always sweeter.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Can they?

While all the hooha is going on about Obama's Inauguration, I'm keeping myself optimistic without being overly excited. I do acknowledge that Obama is a very intelligent man and an excellent public speaker able to rouse the masses, but one has to bear in mind that so far all he has done is talk and he's promised many things. It has yet to be seen if he can and will deliver all the changes that he said will bring the American economy back up.

Although many would not like to admit it, it is a fact that most of the world's economy depends on the US. Many countries still peg or use the US Dollar to measure the strength of their own currency and a lot of international trade still depends on America. Wall Street and the Dow Jones affects pretty much every stock exchange around the world. America's foreign policies also affect global markets as in the case of the highly unpopular wars in Iraq and Afghanistan.

It's global influence is easily attributed to the sheer size of the US economy and the US market. Trading in billions of dollars doesn't allow you to merely sit back and enjoy the show. Decisions made in the US market have repercussions all over. And as a consumer market, the size of the American population makes it an extremely attractive hunting ground for exporters from other nations.

I do not expect things to change overnight. It's an extremely naive notion that the world will change with the swearing in of a new American president. But this first year will be a critical year for the Obama team. American voters are a jittery bunch. If they do not see progress and jobs being created, sooner or later, Obama's inspirational messages of "Change" will start to fall on deaf ears.

It will take not only a man to change America's situation but the entire country to work together to bring themselves up and dust themselves off. And what I'm afraid of is that Americans will sit back and wait for this man to get the job done and solve their problems for them. What American needs now is not a miracle man. They need a man to bring them together to get the job done as a collective.

I do believe that they've done the right thing in electing him. But I don't believe that the efforts of one man alone can fix the problems that they're facing now.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Tired. But satisfied.

Well. Hall One has got off to a pretty good start in the inter-hall rugby. We played reasonably well against one of our main rivals for the title, Hall 2. Though we lost, we still made it though to the quarters although we were made to play an extra game to get there.

It's been a long time since I've played a 10's tournament like this so I'm really tired out. Aches and pains, but it's all good.

Rehearsal today was really excellent as well. I got to hear Omar and Dhaniah sing one of songs I wrote for the emotional climax of the whole musical. And it was awesome. As an amateur song-writer, most of the stuff that I write often gets lost or forgotten somewhere. So to hear my song sung with such feeling and emotion and with Samantha on the piano bringing the song to life, it was such a gratifying feeling. It kinda made all the late nights writing and rehearsing with them all worthwhile.

With everything finally starting to fall in place with the music and the scenes and the actors and the props etc. etc. etc., it's a really exciting time for [s.t.a.r] Productions. 22 Feb. A date to mark down on your calenders.

Friday, January 16, 2009

this stage is just my facade


I'm done writing all of the songs for hall prod. It was just a burden off my back.
I honestly enjoyed writing them cuz it was all themed and I could be really corny with the lyrics. But it was creatively and emotionally draining. With all the other stuff that's been going on in my life, it was kinda hard to get the right emotion for certain songs.

But yes! They are all finally out and the process of arranging and perfecting the songs has begun. That, frankly, is the easy part. What was not easy was staying up late in the night with the production deadline coming up the next morning and a tutorial sitting untouched due the exact same day.

Haha, I was wondering what would it have been like if I hadn't signed up as the Music Director and joined as a cast member. Fun of a different kind I guess.

School today was awesome. I went for lecture and at the end of the lecture, the prof started handing out a surprise test.

(cue cursing and swearing from students)

But lo! To my surprise, and the rest of the people around me for that matter, I knew how to do every single question. Haha. Elation soon turned to misery as the prof announced that this surprise test would not be graded and instead used as a self-test for us to gauge our abilities.

(cue cursing and swearing from just me this time)

Oh well. I guess somethings are just not meant to be. Que sera sera.....

Tuesday, January 06, 2009


My month of January is packed to the max. I have something on pretty much every night of the week. If it's not OMC, it's Hall Prod, if not it's NRC. I honestly like being busy and doing stuff, but sometimes I'd like some actual quiet time not having to worry about deadlines, rehearsal scheduling, proposals and meeting sponsors etc. I'd like to just find some time to just absolutely do nothing. And by nothing, I mean NOTHING.

My ideal holiday. I'd rather go to some remote location in the middle of nowhere and chill out by the lake, or the beach. I don't need to do anything to enjoy the holiday. I'd just like to go somewhere to chillax.

Don't get me wrong. If I could, I'd still like to travel and see the sights. But there are times that I just want to get away the big cities and crowds.

My timetable this sem is pretty decent. 'Cept for Mondays. Which will yet again suck. I have two 2 hrs lectures in the morning, lab in the afternoon and some elective class in the evening. I'll be in school from 0830 to 2030. Yeap that's 12 whole freaking hours. On the up side, I have a free day on weds. Which will actually be used to catch up on admin stuff and assignments. But at least I have that time to work with.

I'll actually be glad once febuary is done with. I'll have two major events off my back and I can get back to doing some actual work. I hope.

Sunday, January 04, 2009

different year, same ol' shit

So it's 2009. Sorry if I'm exactly jumping around and singing the new year in. But gimme a break. It's not like something remarkable happens at the stroke of midnight on Jan 1st.

I guess the start of the year has been kinda hectic. Lots of stuff to do and no time to do all of it. All this in between the family gatherings and meeting different groups of friends. I'm just dry.

Too much to think about as well. I just wonder.