Friday, November 16, 2012

Late Night Catharsis [TL; DR]

So I haven't logged on here in forever. Hopefully all the people that ever followed this blog have now forgotten about it and given up all hope of ever seeing an update. And that for me is a good thing. I don't really want or need anyone to read this but I just have to get it out of my system.

I have so many unresolved issues that I'm struggling to face right now. And that's not even the problem. I just can't get over the fact that it's my own personal weakness that's holding me from even meeting the problems head on. And that's what gets to me the most. Every time I see a news article or a YouTube video about some person facing a mountain of difficulties and yet possessing that inner courage to press on and overcome the odds, I can't help but feel a whole lot of self-loathing. Their stories make my problems seem so minuscule and so incredibly trivial compared to the roadblocks that they have faced and defeated. And yet I still find myself up at 3 in the morning unable to sleep thinking about the molehills that I call mountains.

First up, I FUCKED up my life. And that is not even a matter of opinion and perception. This is an unavoidable fact. I have been given so many opportunities to succeed and make something of myself and I just squandered them aimlessly. Maybe the problem was that I was so aimless that I didn't have a direction to take me over the quagmire of the Swamp of Despair. But that's just the excuse that I tell myself to help me get to sleep at night. I have so many people to apologise to for having mistakenly investing in me emotionally and financially (most of whom was my father) that I cannot even begin to repay my debt to them.

It's that feeling of being more of a liability than an asset that brings me down. No matter how weak and insecure I may feel, I still have my pride and I cannot bear to let anyone take on the burdens that I have accumulated over the years. That's not just some macho wanna be superhero talk. It's not just that I don't want to have to owe someone, it's also that I hope to take care of the people in my life. And that thus far, I have failed miserably at doing.

This is the second time in my life that I have felt such godawful depression. The first being back in Uni. That was a sincerely miserable point in my life. The fact that I made such an awful decision on where to go and what to study has weighed heavily on me ever since. I hated myself and what I was studying with such vehement loathing that I swear I was going insane. One night while studying late through the night desperately trying to catch up with the rest of my class, I swear I saw Greek alphabets and different physics formulae lift right out of my textbook and go flying around my dorm room. I sincerely felt like riding my bike out, pushing it as fast as it could go and then flinging the handlebars in the hopes that my miserable existence would end on the spot. I still don't know why I never managed to bring up the courage to do it. Maybe it was yet another instance where my weakness couldn't bring me to do what was needed. Death would have been such sweet relief.

I still wish that my life would just cease to exist. Not even like a candle going out. A candle blown out still leaves a trail of smoke from the embers of the wick. To me, that's like the residue of a life. No matter how short-lived or mismanaged, you would have some impact in someone's life. Whether it's your close family or the people that you meet and connect with along the way. I would like to believe that there are people that will miss me and I would hate to put them through any pain. I want to vanish from memory and sight. I don't want to have anyone even remember encountering me and, in cliched depressive talk, I wish that I had never been born.

It seems so much easier that way and I hate that I'm weak enough to even think about something like that. But that molehill of regret and mistakes is looking a lot bigger than it used to.

That's just a fraction of what's in my head right now. I can't seem to get the rest of it out of my head and into words so let's just leave it at that. While it feels good to talk to nobody in general, and as good as shouting all your frustrations out across an empty valley feels, it really does not do anything to help the situation. And on the off chance that someone was in that empty valley and heard my screams, I thank you for making it this far through my cathartic rant. Much of it flowed easily out of my head, others were secrets that I kept for a long time trying to maintain my calm exterior. Yet another of my flaws is the subconscious need to constantly bottle up feelings for fear that people may latch on to these insecurities and actually try to help (it's strange how much I know about myself and how little I do to help my situation). This rant serves as a pressure release valve on my emotional pressure cooker. In hopes that I do not eventually explode, I might have to do another one of these rant posts again. I would rather that you do not even come this far through one of them and instead just realise that this is just something I have to do.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010


Lots of churches nowadays preach about how great God is and how you're blessed you are. It's so easy to sing praises to God when everything is going good. It's easy to attribute all the goodness in your life to God's graces and how He's provided for you. But what about the bad things in life? What about the starving child with the vulture lurking over it?

Where is God in there? Where is He when a child of His needs Him the most?
I'm not trying to question His existence. I'm merely questioning His ways. I'm obviously not a starving child nor am I living in poverty. But like the child is without food, I am without reason. I feel disgusted with myself for likening my life to that of the child fighting for his life. But that's how I feel. I'm fighting for my life in a different way. I want to know where my place is in the world.

Honestly, I doubt I'd be too disappointed if He chose to take me from this world tomorrow. It's not like I'm doing much with my life right now. I don't see any point to what I'm doing here.

NO! I'm not saying that I wanna turn the world on its head and make everything better. But I wanna make a difference in the lives of the people around me. I wanna be that pillar that supports the people that I know no matter what happens in their lives. But just for now, I need to be a little selfish. I need to think about my own future before I can be there for everyone else.

If all my statements sound conflicted and there is no coherent flow to my post, there is a reason. It is this conflict internally that is turning my world upside down.
The fact that I don't know where I'm gonna be 5 years from now.
The fact that the road in front of me is darker than dark.
The fact that the unknown is not just in front of me but all around me at this moment.
The fact that no one knows who I am.
The fact that I don't know who I am.
The fact that I'm not strong enough on my own.
The fact that there's nothing for me to be strong for.
The fact that I've conned everyone (incl myself) that I'm happy the way things are.

These facts are making it impossible for me to see any light, heavenly or not, in life right now.
Where is God when the vultures are lurking over my malnourished soul? R.E.M. got it right. That's me in the corner. Losing my religion.

Monday, April 26, 2010

Only Time Will Tell

Tweeting either makes you more efficient with your words or limits your attention span to 140 chars. I do miss blogging. So what has happened in the 4 months that I haven't blogged here? Lots and nothing at the same time.

Taking a leave of absence from school was probably the best and the worst thing that has happened to me. Strange is the duality of life, no? I really feel so much relief now and have realised how much I hated my life in school. I've never felt so out of my league in my whole life. Everything was so far beyond me that for the first time, I really felt that I had bitten off more than I could chew. I'm not trying to make excuses for my failures but I think that while I have the capability, my lack of drive and passion for the subject really pulled me almost to the brink of depression. I HATED waking up every morning. It sounds extreme, but I did. I hated the knowledge that another day of mathematical symbols and formulas awaited me in school. It left me thinking of the decision I made a long time ago. Interest and passion vs. aptitude and capability. I've always felt like I was an Arts student trapped in a Science student's body. I chose my course because of what I felt I was good in, though I did not have much of a liking for the subject, over something that I enjoyed but never seemed to excel in. And I got my ass handed to me in uni.

I'm sorry to say that my experience in Uni has been one of the worse that I can think of. I don't feel like anything that I've done in school or in hall has made a significant contribution to anyone at all. It's like all my efforts have gone to naught. To be honest, I don't feel any sense of achievement from any of the things that I've done in hall. Would I really call what I've done "accomplishments"? That word in itself implies some sort of progress or victory of sorts. But have I really changed anything? I don't think I have really. So what if I've been a major part of two original productions? So what if I recorded and released a soundtrack for one of them? So what if Mr Anthony Teo had such high praise for this year's production? So what if I've sang, played or emceed at almost all major hall events? I don't see any shift in hall to help promote the arts when we are obviously strong in that sense. We have a fantastic pool of dancers, musicians, singers, actors/actresses and experienced backstage crew. Instead a futile attempt at rising above mediocre in sports and recreational games. Nice. I would fight so hard to advocate such a shift, but I know I would not be of use in the politics of getting it done. I'm not one for niceties and diplomacy. I would blow my top at the first sign of stupidity. And deservedly because of that attitude, I'd probably get shot down the instant I showed anything less than perfection.

It's been almost a month since the applications to NIE closed. I still haven't heard any word from them. Honestly, I don't know what I'm going to do if I don't get into NIE. I don't have anything else in my life that I could work into becoming my career. Seriously, driftwood has more direction than I do. A few years ago, I could see where I wanted to be. Now that image is blurred beyond recognition. I don't see it anymore. It's the most fucked up feeling not knowing where you'll be 5 months down the road, let alone 5 years.

The problem with taking the straight and narrow path in life is that when you fall off, you don't have anything waiting for you or any way to get back on that path. It doesn't seem so straight to me now but it sure as hell is narrow. EM2 in primary school, Express stream in secondary school, JC for A levels and on to university. My education has been so mainstream that that's all I know. I've had the need or the urge to try something outside the four walls of my schools. And now I feel the consequences.

Have been considering doing something quite radical. I need to step out of this rut and what better way than to leave it all behind and start afresh. But it's an awesomely difficult decision to make. I'm just afraid that I spend so much time thinking about it that I forget to actually do something about it.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Butterflies on the other side of the world

"It is another Malay winnder but it does not bother me much because my ricebowl is not affected by it"
XXXX, MAE, Yr 4, 24
This was in response to the result of the recent Singapore Idol final where the winner was the third Malay, male winner in a series that is only three seasons old.

This disturbs me quite a bit (even though it has absolutely no effect on my ricebowl). While it is a very practical point of view, it is also quite discouraging that some people do not take any interest in the world around them unless they are directly affected by the matter. NO! I'm not saying that Singapore Idol and its result are the most important thing in the papers though I do have my own opinion on the result. But the part that troubles me the most is the "because my ricebowl is not affected by it" mentality.

It is a mentality that not only shrinks your world down to the problems that you physically can see and touch, but also shortens the length of time into the future that you will be able to foresee. I am not by any means suggesting that we should all poke our noses into any and every little thing that we hear about, but a healthy interest in the world is very necessary I feel. Just because it doesn't directly affect your ricebowl at this point of time doesn't mean that it might not in time to come.

Simple example. Global warming and climate change. A few years ago, it was something that little people bothered about and even fewer even mentioned in conversation. But now with the Copenhagen climate talks where world leaders are discussing the possiblility of economic measures to stop climate change, everyone is starting to take more interest. Why? Because people are starting to realise that IT DOES affect their ricebowls now.

Wednesday, January 06, 2010

In all honesty

I don't know why. But I just feel extraordinarily miserable tonight.
It's not something that I know how to express at all. For once, I'm lost for words.
I know I have many friends who would be willing to hear me out. But I wouldn't know what to tell them anyway. Leaving is never easy. And that is the way it should be, else no one would want to stay anywhere. But when leaving is the right thing to do? What then?

I want it all to go away.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Inferiority Complex

Well, I'm back again. After more than a month of absence from this blog. Not like my readership is damn high or anything, but I hope the few of you that do check my blog would have missed me. Anyways, there are plenty of stuff on my mind right now that aren't really suitable to be posted online. No, nothing R-rated. But just personal stuff.

December is always a bittersweet month for me. There's so much to get done and so little time to do it in. Family, Hall Prod, school. All clamouring for my attention and I honestly feel like I've been neglecting the more important things in life. I have to start being at home more often from now on. I think when all else in life is getting you down, that's the one place that can really make you feel better. Hall has become somewhat of a chore for me now. It seems like the stuff that we do is really quite pointless and doesn't really have much bearing on what happens to you after you graduate. I just need a place to stay that's nearer to school for the sake of convenience. I don't want all the crap and needless headaches that come with it.

Humans are interesting creatures. I think that while we all crave for attention and the feeling of being wanted, sometimes it's also best to just be alone and not worry too much about what's happening around you. Too many distractions, too many sleepless nights and too many troublesome situations that are really avoidable. Yet the need to feel wanted and have a place to belong seems to override all these difficulties and worries. The ironic part about it is that we do have a place where we are wanted and needed. And that is home. Not the pseudo home that we have created but the one given to us at birth. I concur that at times it really feels like family issues are meddlesome and take away from the fun of being with friends. But I put this across to you. Who are those most likely to stick by you when shit hits the fan? Yes, friends may come to help lighten the burden, but no one cept family will be willing to help you carry your burdens on your behalf.

Questions of God have been crossing my mind lately. I haven't been going to church regularly for some time now because of my growing doubts. This is not to say that I condone "ungodly" behavior or such. But ritualised worship has me doubting our ways to achieving holiness, Nirvana, reaching heaven, whatever you may call it. Would the burning of incense appease God? Would the rituals we practise gain favour with Him? All these practises, laws, ceremonies are at the end of the day nothing but man-made. Vatican Law has been revised over and over again by men. Undoubted called Men of God, but Popes and Bishops are still but human beings and their word cannot be assumed to be the will of God.

There is some virtue in ritualised worship. Prayers like the Our Father and the Hail Mary are verses that are well embedded in my mind and reciting them is truly child's play. And prayer like that where your mind turns off and your focus is blurred is when I feel your spirit really connects with Him in the purest form. When you consciously have a conversation with God, you tend to think about what you need and how you ask it. Your mind actually becomes a barrier to conversing with Him as you are not asking for what you really need and instead what you THINK you need. Ask not for results. Ask for means to get those results. Reciting prayers takes your focus of what your mind is telling you that you need.

Sometimes I just long for a way out of this downhill spiral that I seem to have gotten myself into. While I willingly accept that we should always be responsible for the choices we make in life, I can't seem to find a way to get out of what may very well be the worst decision I have ever made. I have truly been humbled, brought to my knees and, dare I say it, defeated by this short period of time that I've been in school. I might have bitten off a little more than I can chew.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Can't Help Falling

It's been an awful semester for me. Emotionally, academically, socially, whatever I've done and not done. It's just been bad. I just feel that in the past few months, all I've been through is negative growth.

Since early in the sem, I've been in a regressive state. I've wanted so much to say what's been on my mind. But circumstance, though more often than not, excuses, have prevented me from relieving this pressure that I've been feeling for the past couple of months. We might as well be strangers. I really feel like we're living in different worlds now. It's an extremely unpleasant feeling to need someone more than they need you.

I can't seem to get myself to study either. It's like everything that I'm supposed to be learning in school is so far over my head that I automatically turn off. I think the worst part of it all is that I don't see any way out. I'm here at the verge of failing every single module I'm taking this sem and the more I look at the pile of notes in front of me, the less I feel capable of doing anything about it. It's just a downhill spiral that I don't know how to get myself out of.

Never short of negativity. I just can't seem to find a way around everything. It's an impossible task when you feel so passionate about something and no one else is willing to commit themselves to the level that you have. It's draining both mentally and physically.

I've just been stagnant in every area of my life. I have not done anything one could consider an accomplishment.

"You are my strength when I am weak
You are the treasure that I seek
You are my all in all"
- You are my All in All

These words have always given me comfort. When I mourned my grandmother's passing, when I was feeling down just before A's. But somehow it's failing me now. Have I gotten so low to the point that even words of worship can't salvage my situation?

Thursday, October 22, 2009

King of kings

Heys! I'm back!

Anyone miss me?


Awww. Damn.

It's been a hectic past month. What with holding meetings, canvassing for funds, school, lab reports (I could go on), workshops, performances, projects (I told you I could), etc etc etc (for the sake of your time I'll just stop there). And yes, I know the liberal use of brackets in that last sentence does look a little odd. But that's the fun of it isn't it?

Come to think of it, nothing much has changed in the past month of so. School stills sucks to high hell, Hall Prod's still frakking awesome, my personal life is still in shambles and facebook is still top of my most visited website list. Probably the only thing that has changed is amount of JD left in the bottle on the shelf above my desk and the fact that I'm out of beer.

I did, however, have an awesome time at the workshop on saturday that MTL organised. They managed to get Elaine Chan (of Dimsum Dollies fame) down and she spent some time with my three MDs and myself. It was amazing how under the right guidance, the creative juices were flowing and we came up with a really cool new verse for one of the songs that we're looking for on the new musical. It was seriously fun. To just sit down and write with a professional like her.

Student life is absolutely brilliant. It really is a blast. Cept for the studying bit. That kinda dampens the fun. Take that out, and everyone would wanna stay in school forever. But there is quite alot of shit that would need dealing with. Now, as a sophomore and as a co-chair of a committee, I realise there is quite a lot of pressure and expectation that comes with the position. At risk of sounding incredibly cheesy, I have to say that I miss the carefree days spent as a freshie. It just seems that everyone is so busy nowadays. There's hardly time for all of us to sit in the corridor and chillout like last year.

Whatever it is, there's change in the air.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Prodding Whores

Well. Finally. We've managed to settle our committee and now work can really begin on next sem's Hall Production. Exciting! It's been a tiring two days of interviews and deliberations but at least now that's all over, we can finally get down to doing some actual work. By work, I meant we can start full scale production. Don't get me started on school. Haha.

I'm really stressed about this year's production. I don't know about everyone else, but I do consider last year's production to be a resounding success. The fact that we received acclaim from external organisations and other theatre groups showed the level of musical we managed to develop from such a rag-tag group of people, most of us not having any prior experience in stage work. So the "valueaddedness" that we brought to LFT was fantastic. This year is a totally different story. We have so many freshies that have experience in theatre and who know what they are doing. So if we don't come up with something good, I would think that it would be a phenomenal waste of the talent and expertise that we have managed to bring into Hall Prod.

Obviously, as a co-Producer now, I would not want to see s.t.a.r. Productions take a fall during my tenure and I'm working my best to make sure that it doesn't. But having minimal exposure to stage before having joined last year, I think my biggest area needing improvement would be my foresight. With respect to a stage production, I have not yet developed an eye for seeing how things might go wrong and where that damn Murphy might step in and enforce his laws. So I'm just hoping and praying that I'll be able to get things right.

But after all's said and done, I do have to remind myself that I'm a student first and foremost. It's not that I like living in regret and wallowing in self-pity, but I really feel like I'm suffering in school. There is nothing in school that I really look forward to. I can work with my classmates, but they're just not the type of people that I typically gravitate to and so often I find myself heading directly back to hall after class instead of hanging out with them. It's not that I'm trying to be or that I am anti-social, but I just feel like I'm on a different frequency from everyone else. It's like in class when the rest of them start discussing some far off theorem or solving some unsolvable equation. I'm just sitting there while everything is going over my head and I'm totally lost in all the dy/dx-es and the integration and the Greek symbols so often used in physics and so on and so forth. This sem is looking like it might not be a good one for me academically. I'm just hoping my electives will be able to pull me up.

To be honest, I'm really confused right now. There are pluses and minuses in my life right now. But I haven't a clue about how positive or negative my life is right now. I just feel a certain hollowness about things right now that I don't how to fill. I wish I had the guts to take my life into my hands and do something. I just watched Apple's video of the talk MJ had with Keone Madrid and he said something that struck out to me. He said something along the lines of how talent is nothing unless you explore and develop it. I'm paraphrasing here so it's not an exact quote. I'm not trying to say that I'm uber talented and stuff, but what I mean is that when people mention my name, I don't want people to remember me as the guy that they thought had potential in something or other. I want people to remember me for having done something of significance and of meaning to them. I'm not looking for fame. Fame's overrated. I'm looking for the gratification that comes with having accomplished something. And I hope I'll find it someday.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Stronger than Yesterday

Yes. Britney totally rocks. Love her to bits. Schoolgirl outfits are totally right for the wrong reasons.

Anyway, Jash kinda blew. Haven't drank like that for a pretty long time and I guess there were a lot of things that I haven't settled internally. Can't believe I was stupid enough to crack like that. I guess I didn't realise that it was that much of an issue to me. I thought I was over it all. Trivial matters like that should not affect me to that kind of extent. I might have scared a few of my blockmates for which I sincerely apologize.

I guess karma did really come round to bite me in the ass. Break at the risk of being broken yourself.

I don't wish to indulge in self-praise, but I do like this piece I wrote a while back. Enjoy.

The Fool
Behind the seemingly happy facade
Beneath the lies that he spreads
Locked within the heavy heart
Lies nothing but a lonesome boy
Under the guise of a playful soul
Trapped by feelings left untold
Lost in his own ravished mind
All he hopes for but cannot find
No further than the apple from the tree
Yet farther than the eye can see
Hidden behind these shameless rhymes
Lying down to sleep, he cries
Not for silly dances in the rain
Not for the sake of a fool's game
But for the warmth of her tender touch
As she falls into slumber's silent arms