Thursday, April 23, 2009

Chicken or Egg?


2 : pleasure in being abused or dominated : a taste for suffering

I don't know if I take pleasure in mentally torturing myself. But I know that I always seem to torture myself by just daydreaming and wishing that something could happen. I need to go out and do something about this but that'll have to wait till my exams are over. Just that focusing on my last paper is a little difficult now. I'm just bursting with thoughts left unexpressed.

I'm stemming a flow of ideas for the two productions that I'm supposed to be writing for. Cuz I know that once I let the ideas run, I'll never get back to studying good ol' boring physics. I'd much rather be writing.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Shawty got low....

It's not my habit to blog so often. But I really have stuff to get off my mind.
I have without a doubt lost my direction in life (please no wisecracks about My idealistic ass stepped out of JC thinking that I could take on the world only to get turned around and kicked by life's big boot. I thought I had a career goal, a path for me to follow but I did not consider the possibility of failure. It is of course a failure on my part that got me here but it's so hard to pick myself up now that I'm down.

I'll like to be bitter now and blame it on everyone else. So many people, teachers, ex-colleagues and relatives, told me before I started school how uni was the best time of their lives and how A Levels would probably be the biggest hurdle to me. How wrong they were. Uni is turning out to be a nightmare. And I don't know what I'm doing anymore.

I wouldn't go as far as to say that I have a problem psychologically. I don't think it goes as far as being clinically depressed. But I do not feel like the person I was a few years ago. Is this what maturity is like? Realising the cold hard truth that is the world. If so, give me back my youth. When my only worry was trying to kick a tennis ball through a goal post consisting of someone's white canvas school shoes. Now that's a worthwhile pursuit.

My friend once asked me why all the songs I play are so sad and "emo". He was using my computer 'cause his died on him and I was on my bed randomly playing my guitar. It was only then that I realised all the songs that I play ARE sad and "emo". Even the songs that I write. "Teardrops" from a few years back. Well, it's in the title. "The Biggest Mistake" from Mistaken; the Musical. Again in the title. I'm good at writing songs that emote feelings of regret, unrequited love, heartache. Nothing in there about the joys of being with someone you love or the happiness that life brings. It's that downward spiral of negative emotions that is defeating my spirit and drive.

Talent is nothing if you don't develop it and mould it into something more. While I agree with that statement, it also has to be acknowledged how difficult it is to survive in Singapore and get paid for creative work. I'm not trying to say that I'm uber talented or something (my skin is not that thick). But I do wish that I could take my passion futher and do something with it in life. That's why I really want to do something special for Musical Theatre's musical festival. Who knows. It might be a breakout event for me? Or it could end up to be the biggest and only thing I ever do. I'll never know until I try.

Yes folks. Believe or not it's another bitch-about-my-life post from me. Totally not my style. I just feel an emptiness inside like nothing I'm doing now is making a difference. I'm not self-centered enough to say that the world will stop spinning unless I continually strive at conserving its rotation. But I would like to say at the end of my time on this Earth, that I have made a significant contribution to someone's life and wellbeing. And I feel that what I'm doing now has no bearing on that goal for me.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

When darkness falls, Your light shines ever brighter

On Tuesday before my first paper, I was honestly freaking out. I knew I wasn't prepared for it and there wasn't any more time to do damage control. That's when I thought of one of my favourite psalms or actually my favourite bible quote.

Thy word is lamp unto my feet,
And a light onto my path
-Psalms 119:105

Now. I don't normally like to preach on my blog cuz I feel that religion is personal opinion and the fact that I choose this point of view does not mean I should enforce it on others.

But that psalm and that song calmed my nerves and slowed my racing heart. So while in silent prayer, head bowed and eyes closed, I did my own personal worship. Amy Grant was right. Sometimes we all feel a little lost. And I feel as lost as guy trying to get to Albuquerque while reading a map of Central London. Upside-down.

Well. Two papers down and two more to go. I really don't know how I'm going to manage to pull myself out of this hole I've dug myself into. At least one up side was that I felt I didn't entirely screw up my maths paper this afternoon. I did leave some stuff out, but on the whole, hopefully did enough to pass.

The thought of ice-cold beers on the beaches of Tioman is the only thing keeping my sanity intact. That's my motivation for now.

There's plenty to do after the exams are over though. I need to look for a job, I need to finish writing my musical for Nov's Festival of Musicals, I need to finish up for some song writing competition that my friend wants to collaborate on, I need to start thinking about next year's production as well and I need to do something that I've been meaning to do for a while now.

Plus we haven't finished up recording and post-production on the "OST: Mistaken". And I wanna get it out there as soon as possible to try and drum up some canvassing for Hall Prod fund.

Overall, it's going to be a busy busy few months. Not to mention, I haven't got stone-cold deadbeat puke-in-the-street drunk in a long time. I've got many braincells marked out for death. And I don't intend to disappoint.

Thursday, April 09, 2009

REPENT!! The End is near

OMG. That's it. 5 days before my first paper. Crap!

Btw. For all maths students out there.
This guy is saving my ass for my MAS papers. Who says youtube is only good for a laugh.