Saturday, July 30, 2005

::mental block::
kinda happy to be alive after the parents-teacher meeting. esp after getting such crappy results.
but i am really disappointed. cuz i did study for my phys and econs and it is really quite depressing to still get back crap. really need to chiong now. but it is hard to build momentum. i really wanna get back to the way it was just before promos last year. that was really good. just spending hours in the library studying. actually studying.

::lost but never alone::
over the past week, i have really been contemplating what i want to do after JC. i know it is a bit soon to tell if i'll even finish JC with decent grades but i need a purpose and a drive to work to.
i don't know yet what i want to do. but i know that i have someone watching over me and i trust that i will know what to do when the time comes to make a decision.

the school was really quiet today after receiving the news. i've seen her around school. she'd always walk into sch with her friend at the same time every morning, just after i get to the grandstand. i don't know her personally but still it is quite shocking to lose a schoolmate.
no parent should ever have to bury their children. can't imagine how her parents feel. that is one thing that i dread. losing a child.
i spent a little time in silent prayer for her and her family.

Saturday, July 23, 2005

:: wasted day ::
really wasted my day. din do anything productive.
was planning to do the maths remedial thing that ah leong gave.
but in the end i watched tv. mind-numbing.
that's what i want.

was also planning to do alot of things. the peicai teacher's day thing for the ex-sutdents was going on just across the road from my hse at al athar and i was too lazy to get up for it. was also planning to go turf city maybe to play for wanderers. but din have boots and was again to lazy.

really pissed with myself. i can't believe that i missed Lost on thurs. i was waiting for it for the WHOLE week. i know it sound real pathetic. but i live for thur night. just to watch Lost. but hey. i'm here blogging at home on a saturday night so my life is pathetic enough as it is. so yeah.

really gotta get my mind of it. thanks to all my friends that have been helping me out. esp choy. thanks sis. i just wish that i did things differently. this sucks.

listening to: Bye Bye Love by The Everly Bros.
(go look up the lyrics)

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

::my time's up::
at first i was kinda angry. kinda felt betrayed.
on monday was really not happy.
but after giving it some thought now i kinda feel that it is for the best.

[i don't blame you and you definately have NOTHING to apologise for.
you have the right to make a choice and i have to respect that.
i meant what i said. i cannot imagine my JC life without having known you.
and i really dun wanna lose you as a friend. hope that we can still be able
to call each other good friends.]

and to you bro. i told you what i felt today.
it's true that i was major pissed at you on monday and tues.
but after thinking about it, i think that you are really so much better for her.
i think that she is really happy when she's with you and that's what is impt.
so you better take care of her. got it?

Monday, July 11, 2005

got back my econs today. bloody hell. I got a 44.4%. just like 0.1% away frm getting rounded up to a passing grade. but that's not the part that really got me down. it was the fact that I really studied for the midyrs and I got back these kinda results.
fucking hell. even though I'm really embarrassed about my maths results being so absolutely rock bottom, I know that I deserved it cuz I sacrificed it to mug for econs. and even with me sacrificing a subject I still got crap marks. what the hell. was real disappointed. even some retail therapy didn't really help (I bought new shoes finally. my old pair was worn to the bare threads).
so far I haven't even got a single A pass. if I don't get something from my phys I swear I'll take the "express lift" from the tallest HDB flat around school.
common. I can't say that I've worked my butt off to the bone but at least I know that I have worked hard enough to deserve AT LEAST an A pass. and I can't even get that. was really pissed off when I left school.

::more pissed::
got even more pissed when I got home.
the first thing I saw was that idiotic maid of ours standing on a stool chatting away with the neighbour's maid.
the second thing I saw was the canvas that should be over my bike lying on the floor. I can only presume that the wind blew it off.
the third thing I saw was rows of WET clothing hanging up to dry directly ABOVE the bikes dripping away.

the point of the matter is that the idea of having the canvas over the bikes in the first place is to protect the bikes from the weather, my dog's fur and esp water cuz water can do plenty damage to the bikes if it gets into more sensitive parts of the bike like the CGI or the air filter. and she goes and hangs wet clothes over the bikes to drip dry.
no. I'm not just angry over something like that. as soon as I got back, the first thing I had to do when I was tired from school was to cover the bikes back which took no more than twenty seconds. don't get me wrong. I'm not complaining about doing things myself. I'm no spoilt brat. but the thing is she can't do this herself when it is in plain sight that something has to be done. oh no. she just happily goes on chatting with her friend.
was really fuming by then but didn't want to tell her off in front of her friend.

::lagi pissed off::
as if I wasn't in a bad mood already.
the first thing I saw when I reached my room, my classical guitar up on the table in my room.
the second thing I saw was my electric guitar UNDERNEATH it.

I know it doesn't really seem like a big deal. but it is to me. what if my guitars got scratched or damaged. I'm responsible for them. my dad will just say that I haven't been taking care of it.
and it's not like this is the first time that I have come home to this.
there's this nice spot on my spare table that I put my electric guitar and a nice place where I can lean my classical guitar. and that's the way that it's been. then she decides that the guitars are much "SAFER" being stacked up one on top of the other.
the first time it happened, I let to slide. I just put my classical guitar back against my shelves.

I put it down, she stacked it up.
I put it BACK down, she stacks it again.
I put it BACK down AGAIN, she stacks it up ONCE MORE.
and on and on

I think you should get the idea. I seriously believe you are infinitely wiser than her.
does she think this is a fucking game? if she thinks it is, I'm bloody hell NOT amused.

::looking back. and I'm even more fucking pissed::
for goodness sake. I swear. the house has never been MORE dusty and dirty before the time when she first stepped into the place.
there's dust everywhere.
I really have an urge to tell her off REAL BAD. I'm talking serious telling off.

the point of having the maid is to make life easier for my 89 yr old grandfather. but i think she is giving him more headaches than ever.
for those of you that have met my grandfather, you all probably know what a miracle the man is. 89 and counting. and he is still so independent. able to renew his driving license and he even goes to Orchard to watch movies now and then.
he also does the groceries when I'm in school, my dad's at work and my sister's not at home. but he does still need help.
the arrangement with previous maids has always been that he'll drive down to get the groceries and when he reaches the gate he'll honk the horn and the maid'll come out and bring in the groceries. but everytime he honks, this women takes her own sweet time to



by that time my grandfather (who is rather impatient) has already got most of the groceries in by himself.
I'm like, what the fuck. what the fuck are we paying you for. you don't really seem to be doing much.

she has really done some idiotic things.

okie. here's the scene. my grandfather is cooking chicken rice. the type with the chicken steamed with the rice not the hainanese chicken rice type. the temp in the rice cooker is not enough to cook the chicken thoroughly so my grandfather instructed her to half cook the chicken before putting it into the cooker with the rice.

WAIT! STOP!! before proceeding. what do you understand by the term half cooked?
it means cooking the chicken lightly before putting it in the rice cooker, right?

he leaves the kitchen to continue with his mahjong game
she took the chicken and cut it into pieces and fried half
of the pieces and left the rest aside to be cooked later with the rice.
you should have seen his face when he came back. he really didn't know whether to start shouting at her. laugh til he cried. or just cry out of despair (not amusement).
I can't stand it anymore. my god. boiling point: 3 seconds.

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

::empty space between my ears::
oh man... whatever slim chance that i thot i had for getting a good grade for econs paper two were totally dashed.. what the hell.... forget dashed.. more like obliterated..
whatever white chick said was NOT the right thing to write was the stuff that i gave in my answers... i was sitting there with a "what the f**k" look on my face and left the lt wondering why i even bothered to wake up so early just for that...
eff-ed up the midyrs lar... my maths is like a total no hope lar.. phys still got a bit of hope... but i had pretty high hopes on my econs and that got f**ked up so if my phys goes the way of my econs, i'm pretty screwed...

spent my monday slacking at ps. spent my tues slacking in sch. spent my wednesday slacking at home.
slack slack slack... what am i supposed to do? i'm totally broke.
spend my weeks allowance in a day. living off scraps for the rest of the week.
plus my ez link card is in the negative so i gotta find coins for bus fare.
feel like a blardy begger. i need some cash.
(donations are accepted in the form of cash or deposits into my bank acct. for futher info contact me personally)
i'm a lazy bastard.

::what can i do?::
i can't stop thinking. shd i let go? it pretty much appears that i shd.
but do i want to. of course not. i would like to continue filling my head with delusions of the happiest of outcomes but i'm also a bit more practical than that. i think.
i'm about to burst. i just can't hold everything in forever. yet i don't know how to express it.
there's no one that i really can talk to and let loose. it's just a really nasty feeling.
hrm. i just it's back to my normal self. just laugh it off and pretend nothing's happened.
i'd like a moment of solitude. away frm everyone. just to be by myself. but i don't have the time. A's are coming and are just abt four months away.

you caught me by surprise when you called. didn't know how to respond.
i don't wanna make you worried but at the same time i can't help it.
i don't know if i can fulfil my promise.

Sunday, July 03, 2005

::Trapped and Confused::
why do i make things so difficult for myself?

Saturday, July 02, 2005

::They're Coming::
"No one would have believed in the last years of the nineteenth century that this world was being watched keenly and closely by intelligences greater than man's and yet as mortal as his own"
-H.G. Wells

The famous first line from H.G. Wells book War of the Worlds. Went to watch the latest movie adaptation of the book last night and muz say that i was rather impressed. it didn't really stick to the storyline in the book but some aspects of the book were still in there.

was thinking that it might be quite a disappiontment after being brought up listening to the Richard Burton reading of the book (excellent, go download or buy it). but was really on the edge of my seat throughout the two hours.

and they threw in a bit of the book in the mix just to keep a bit of authenticity. like the sinking of the ferry. reminicent of the sinking of the Thunder Child?

overall, really good movie. hey. let's put it this way. if was a gurl or gay (of which i am NEITHER!), Tom Cruise is totally mine.

::It's Over::
Finally the midyrs are over. what a relief. a bit of time to relax before the results come out. which i dread much more than Martians coming.
got a full lineup of stuff to do in the break before sch restarts next thurs.