Thursday, December 17, 2009

Inferiority Complex

Well, I'm back again. After more than a month of absence from this blog. Not like my readership is damn high or anything, but I hope the few of you that do check my blog would have missed me. Anyways, there are plenty of stuff on my mind right now that aren't really suitable to be posted online. No, nothing R-rated. But just personal stuff.

December is always a bittersweet month for me. There's so much to get done and so little time to do it in. Family, Hall Prod, school. All clamouring for my attention and I honestly feel like I've been neglecting the more important things in life. I have to start being at home more often from now on. I think when all else in life is getting you down, that's the one place that can really make you feel better. Hall has become somewhat of a chore for me now. It seems like the stuff that we do is really quite pointless and doesn't really have much bearing on what happens to you after you graduate. I just need a place to stay that's nearer to school for the sake of convenience. I don't want all the crap and needless headaches that come with it.

Humans are interesting creatures. I think that while we all crave for attention and the feeling of being wanted, sometimes it's also best to just be alone and not worry too much about what's happening around you. Too many distractions, too many sleepless nights and too many troublesome situations that are really avoidable. Yet the need to feel wanted and have a place to belong seems to override all these difficulties and worries. The ironic part about it is that we do have a place where we are wanted and needed. And that is home. Not the pseudo home that we have created but the one given to us at birth. I concur that at times it really feels like family issues are meddlesome and take away from the fun of being with friends. But I put this across to you. Who are those most likely to stick by you when shit hits the fan? Yes, friends may come to help lighten the burden, but no one cept family will be willing to help you carry your burdens on your behalf.

Questions of God have been crossing my mind lately. I haven't been going to church regularly for some time now because of my growing doubts. This is not to say that I condone "ungodly" behavior or such. But ritualised worship has me doubting our ways to achieving holiness, Nirvana, reaching heaven, whatever you may call it. Would the burning of incense appease God? Would the rituals we practise gain favour with Him? All these practises, laws, ceremonies are at the end of the day nothing but man-made. Vatican Law has been revised over and over again by men. Undoubted called Men of God, but Popes and Bishops are still but human beings and their word cannot be assumed to be the will of God.

There is some virtue in ritualised worship. Prayers like the Our Father and the Hail Mary are verses that are well embedded in my mind and reciting them is truly child's play. And prayer like that where your mind turns off and your focus is blurred is when I feel your spirit really connects with Him in the purest form. When you consciously have a conversation with God, you tend to think about what you need and how you ask it. Your mind actually becomes a barrier to conversing with Him as you are not asking for what you really need and instead what you THINK you need. Ask not for results. Ask for means to get those results. Reciting prayers takes your focus of what your mind is telling you that you need.

Sometimes I just long for a way out of this downhill spiral that I seem to have gotten myself into. While I willingly accept that we should always be responsible for the choices we make in life, I can't seem to find a way to get out of what may very well be the worst decision I have ever made. I have truly been humbled, brought to my knees and, dare I say it, defeated by this short period of time that I've been in school. I might have bitten off a little more than I can chew.