Friday, October 31, 2008

Why so serious?

The problem with being a "happy" person is that no one ever sees the dark side of you. What's hidden behind the smile and what is hurting you deep down inside. Can I say that I identify with The Joker? Well, to an extent. Not to the extent of being psychotic murderous maniac but to more towards the tortured-soul-masked-behind-a-smile side of The Joker.

I don't think that it's cuz of anything other than my inability to open up to people. I'm just not the feely emotional kinda person that will just pour out all my frustrations the moment I have a chance. I bottle and store away all my grievances and try to forget their existence.

School stress? I've been seeing the pile of ciggies in the dustbin outside my room ominously growing. I'm almost at a pack every two days now. Not an achievement that I'm very proud of. Do they help me relax? Yes. There is something about the nicotine and the high I get that helps to loosen up and clear my mind. Am I dependant on them? I'm afraid to say that I am, but the truth is that I do have a certain level of dependency on the "comfort" of a stick in my hand.

I can't help but thinking of the fact that after these exams that I'm suffering so hard for is at least another 7 more exam periods that I'll have to go through in my life here in NTU. Depressing yet true. For those that are in the same position as me right now reading this, I sincerely apologise for reminding you guys of the sad truth.

But like a sine curve, life has its ups and downs. Unlike the sine curve, these maxima and minima are not of equal magnitude nor are they equally spaced. TAKE HEART! Without these lows, the highs do not make any sense. Without knowing what the lows are, the highs will just merely be points without any significance.

All I can say is that I'm going to take these low periods of my life as they come. Hope you'll join me in celebrating the high points and commiserate with me during the lows.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Lonely. I am so lonely.

Finally getting into the swing of the exam fever. Have a lot to catch up on, but at least I've started doing something about it. Too little, too late? We shall have to see.

"It's her hair and her eyes today
That just simply take me away
And the feeling that I'm falling further in love
make me shiver but in a good way"
- Out of my League, by Stephen Speaks.

Goodness. I still love that song. Some of my friends say that it's just descriptive and not a lyrically potent love song. But I feel it puts into words what can't be put into words. You know what I mean? Like it describes all that you love about someone but can't seem to express why you love that person.

I let some of the hall prod people hear the chorus to one of the songs that wrote for the musical last night and got some good reviews. It's not as good as "Out of my League" but it's plot progressive and "Disney"ish. So I think it's going well. Excited about the final product.

Well. Can't rest on my laurels for too long. So it's back to my books for me.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

I think I've spread myself out too thinly. With all the stuff that I have on other than school itself, I'm finding myself with less and less time to myself. I'm sure that I have lots to blog about, but I'm having the worst mental block ever. My mind is not processing anything at all! I can't believe the stuff that I wrote just now for my hall's theatre production. Total CRAP! Goodness.

Do you know what's it like to have set out your life's plan, done everything that you needed to make it happen and then discover that maybe that's not what you want in life? I think uni has turned my life up on it's head and kicked its arse. I am again without direction and purpose. And without any drive. All this coming 3 weeks and a day to exams. Shit.

Am I just a thinker and not a doing? I can't seem to fathom how people can sit and repetitively do math questions the whole day. I get bored like after the first hour. I can't do it! I can't do anything that requires me to repeat the same motion over and over again. To go through exactly the same process again and again with different figures and detail but with an undeniable similarity. GRRR!!!


Friday, October 10, 2008

A Ray of Light in Darkness

At last! Something that I can be happy about in school. Just got back two of my midterm results. I got a 63% for my physics and a 80% for my chemistry paper. The 63 sounds quite low, but it's quite an average score among the cohort. And the 80 may sound very high, but again it's just average among the rest of the cohort.

Nonetheless! I think it's encouraging news that couldn't come at a better time. I don't wanna get myself carried away cuz I know that this is just a mid term and it's probably not as difficult as the finals are going to be. But still it's a nice boost to my morale.

There is still a long way to go. But at least I'm getting there slowly but surely.

Friday, October 03, 2008

Out of Body Experience

Sometimes I feel that I'm neither here nor there. Someone once told me that I'm a Jack-of-all-trades. But as the saying goes:

"Jack of all trades, master of none"

And to an extent I think that it's true. I can logically discuss topics from Art to Zulu Tribesmen. But I know of nothing in depth. My knowledge of most topics are quite touch and go without going too far in.

Have I found my niche? Where I can personally excel? Nope.

Generally, most people will spilt academic subjects into arts and science. Well. I can't paint, nor can I draw complex free body diagrams. But I can discuss economic performance of a country and I can find the frictional forces between two objects.

I'm sitting in a very precarious position in the fence between the two and honestly I don't know which side to get off on. I'm good at theoretical science, but I'm nuts when it comes to actual calculations. I love the arts, but I suck at creating art and essay writing. I'm just in a lose-lose situation.

Today was yet another over my head physics tutorial. I find that the tutorials are total rubbish. It's more for people that know all the answers to find out whether they are right or not. It does nothing for people like me that don't know HOW to start getting the answers. Maybe it's cuz I'm a minority (which is scary in itself).

You have to forgive the bitching that I've been doing here for the past few posts. I just find that I haven't found myself yet. That I'm going through the motions of a life that is not mine to live.

One of my sergeants once said to me that he planned to live till 30. Do absolutely nothing with his life but enjoy that fact that it was his. And after that is done, to just fade into oblivion. I'm beginning to sign on to that life plan thought I feel that I could probably do much more with what is given to me. But the thing is, that I don't know what is it I'm meant to do.

I wish I could just stay in blissful ignorance of the world around me. Not have to wonder where my next pay cheque will be coming from. Still in some forgotten corner of the world with beer in one hand and a cigarette in the other, drinking as the world swirls around me into darkness. Awakening to the cold feel of another icy newly opened bottle. Siiiigh........