Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Can't Help Falling

It's been an awful semester for me. Emotionally, academically, socially, whatever I've done and not done. It's just been bad. I just feel that in the past few months, all I've been through is negative growth.

Since early in the sem, I've been in a regressive state. I've wanted so much to say what's been on my mind. But circumstance, though more often than not, excuses, have prevented me from relieving this pressure that I've been feeling for the past couple of months. We might as well be strangers. I really feel like we're living in different worlds now. It's an extremely unpleasant feeling to need someone more than they need you.

I can't seem to get myself to study either. It's like everything that I'm supposed to be learning in school is so far over my head that I automatically turn off. I think the worst part of it all is that I don't see any way out. I'm here at the verge of failing every single module I'm taking this sem and the more I look at the pile of notes in front of me, the less I feel capable of doing anything about it. It's just a downhill spiral that I don't know how to get myself out of.

Never short of negativity. I just can't seem to find a way around everything. It's an impossible task when you feel so passionate about something and no one else is willing to commit themselves to the level that you have. It's draining both mentally and physically.

I've just been stagnant in every area of my life. I have not done anything one could consider an accomplishment.

"You are my strength when I am weak
You are the treasure that I seek
You are my all in all"
- You are my All in All

These words have always given me comfort. When I mourned my grandmother's passing, when I was feeling down just before A's. But somehow it's failing me now. Have I gotten so low to the point that even words of worship can't salvage my situation?

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