Chicken or Egg?

Masochism

2 : pleasure in being abused or dominated : a taste for suffering

I don't know if I take pleasure in mentally torturing myself. But I know that I always seem to torture myself by just daydreaming and wishing that something could happen. I need to go out and do something about this but that'll have to wait till my exams are over. Just that focusing on my last paper is a little difficult now. I'm just bursting with thoughts left unexpressed.

I'm stemming a flow of ideas for the two productions that I'm supposed to be writing for. Cuz I know that once I let the ideas run, I'll never get back to studying good ol' boring physics. I'd much rather be writing.

Shawty got low....

It's not my habit to blog so often. But I really have stuff to get off my mind.
I have without a doubt lost my direction in life (please no wisecracks about gothere.sg). My idealistic ass stepped out of JC thinking that I could take on the world only to get turned around and kicked by life's big boot. I thought I had a career goal, a path for me to follow but I did not consider the possibility of failure. It is of course a failure on my part that got me here but it's so hard to pick myself up now that I'm down.

I'll like to be bitter now and blame it on everyone else. So many people, teachers, ex-colleagues and relatives, told me before I started school how uni was the best time of their lives and how A Levels would probably be the biggest hurdle to me. How wrong they were. Uni is turning out to be a nightmare. And I don't know what I'm doing anymore.

I wouldn't go as far as to say that I have a problem psychologically. I don't think it goes as far as being clinically depressed. But I do not feel like the person I was a few years ago. Is this what maturity is like? Realising the cold hard truth that is the world. If so, give me back my youth. When my only worry was trying to kick a tennis ball through a goal post consisting of someone's white canvas school shoes. Now that's a worthwhile pursuit.

My friend once asked me why all the songs I play are so sad and "emo". He was using my computer 'cause his died on him and I was on my bed randomly playing my guitar. It was only then that I realised all the songs that I play ARE sad and "emo". Even the songs that I write. "Teardrops" from a few years back. Well, it's in the title. "The Biggest Mistake" from Mistaken; the Musical. Again in the title. I'm good at writing songs that emote feelings of regret, unrequited love, heartache. Nothing in there about the joys of being with someone you love or the happiness that life brings. It's that downward spiral of negative emotions that is defeating my spirit and drive.

Talent is nothing if you don't develop it and mould it into something more. While I agree with that statement, it also has to be acknowledged how difficult it is to survive in Singapore and get paid for creative work. I'm not trying to say that I'm uber talented or something (my skin is not that thick). But I do wish that I could take my passion futher and do something with it in life. That's why I really want to do something special for Musical Theatre's musical festival. Who knows. It might be a breakout event for me? Or it could end up to be the biggest and only thing I ever do. I'll never know until I try.

Yes folks. Believe or not it's another bitch-about-my-life post from me. Totally not my style. I just feel an emptiness inside like nothing I'm doing now is making a difference. I'm not self-centered enough to say that the world will stop spinning unless I continually strive at conserving its rotation. But I would like to say at the end of my time on this Earth, that I have made a significant contribution to someone's life and wellbeing. And I feel that what I'm doing now has no bearing on that goal for me.

When darkness falls, Your light shines ever brighter

On Tuesday before my first paper, I was honestly freaking out. I knew I wasn't prepared for it and there wasn't any more time to do damage control. That's when I thought of one of my favourite psalms or actually my favourite bible quote.


Thy word is lamp unto my feet,
And a light onto my path
-Psalms 119:105

Now. I don't normally like to preach on my blog cuz I feel that religion is personal opinion and the fact that I choose this point of view does not mean I should enforce it on others.

But that psalm and that song calmed my nerves and slowed my racing heart. So while in silent prayer, head bowed and eyes closed, I did my own personal worship. Amy Grant was right. Sometimes we all feel a little lost. And I feel as lost as guy trying to get to Albuquerque while reading a map of Central London. Upside-down.

Well. Two papers down and two more to go. I really don't know how I'm going to manage to pull myself out of this hole I've dug myself into. At least one up side was that I felt I didn't entirely screw up my maths paper this afternoon. I did leave some stuff out, but on the whole, hopefully did enough to pass.

The thought of ice-cold beers on the beaches of Tioman is the only thing keeping my sanity intact. That's my motivation for now.

There's plenty to do after the exams are over though. I need to look for a job, I need to finish writing my musical for Nov's Festival of Musicals, I need to finish up for some song writing competition that my friend wants to collaborate on, I need to start thinking about next year's production as well and I need to do something that I've been meaning to do for a while now.

Plus we haven't finished up recording and post-production on the "OST: Mistaken". And I wanna get it out there as soon as possible to try and drum up some canvassing for Hall Prod fund.

Overall, it's going to be a busy busy few months. Not to mention, I haven't got stone-cold deadbeat puke-in-the-street drunk in a long time. I've got many braincells marked out for death. And I don't intend to disappoint.

REPENT!! The End is near

OMG. That's it. 5 days before my first paper. Crap!

Btw. For all maths students out there. http://www.youtube.com/user/patrickJMT
This guy is saving my ass for my MAS papers. Who says youtube is only good for a laugh.

Staring at the Ceiling

Haven't been sleeping too well past couple of days. And all I do is just look up at the ceiling and just zone out. It's wierdly ironic. Cuz sometimes I'd just day-dream while lying there. But it's night so I shouldn't call it daydreaming really. But it's not regular dreaming-while-you-sleep dreaming. And calling it night-dreaming sounds stupid cuz the night just seems redundant. Hrmm.

You know in hall, I feel like I'm somehow cut off from the world. I've got to go downstairs to read a newspaper, I don't watch the news cuz I don't have a TV in my room and I'm not really into reading or watching news on the internet. Really sucks. Cuz I've always kinda liked writing about stuff that's happening around the world and now I'm kinda dry on subjects to write on.

Mai Kong

I think a major problem that I have is that I assume that a problem if ignored for long enough will solve itself. Obviously, that's not entirely true. If left on its own, a problem will generally not bother you until one day when it decides to come back and bite you in your big fat ass.

School is exactly like that. With all the stuff that was going on earlier this sem, I decided that school was something that I could put on the back burner while I settled everything else that had deadlines earlier than the exams. I knew I was falling behind but I just turned on my "mai kong" mentality and pushed my head further into the sand. And that is coming back to me in a BIG way.

Masking my emotions is another thing that I am proficient at except to those close to me. Those that know how to read me will know that often (though not always) when I don't react to something, it means that that issue means more to me than anything. But as with most things in my life, "mai kong" is the way that I choose to go.

Pressure. Something that we learn in physics. Basically, the more you try and cram into a container, the more force it exerts on the inner wall of the container and eventually, given enough pressure, the container will explode.

That's a little like how I feel right now. And that's affecting me in more ways than one.
Fuck... I am a bitch-all-day-about-how-sucky-my-life-is blogger.... (see previous post)

Who are you?

I've come to realise that there are three types of people in general in school. Those that are studying cuz they believe in what they are studying and that is all part of their life plans, those that able to study for the sake of study even though they don't know if that's what they'll be spending their whole lives doing, and those that are like me, who are not sure where they want to be ten years down the road and just can't bring themselves to study what they're supposed to.

Some time ago, I wrote an entry that sort of outlined my life plan. That is to get a good honours, go to NIE and come out to teach. I still want to teach and obviously, I still also want a good honours. But I just can't bring myself to study. I just can't see the practical use of what I'm doing now and I'm the type of person driven by practicality. If I don't see the point of something, then it's not worth my time.

You know, I hate blogs that contain endless post after post of how much their life sucks and posts where the writer bitches day after day about how much things suck for them right now. I get this awful gut feeling that I'm turning into one of those bloggers. Dammit.

Okay. Onto something a little less about me. Lately in NTU, people have been buzzing about the stabbing incident and the hanging incident. It is extremely unfortunate and quite worrying that two such incidents have occured within a very short time span. Can I first say that while I don't condone their actions, I feel that some sympathy have to go out to these two souls.

In a way, it is a good wake up call to those out there in positions of authority to pay closer attention to those under them and those that are directly and indirectly affected by the decisions they make. But in the same way, it is a moral responsibility to those out there to not take advantage of this situation for their own needs. In that, I mean that those in the student population cannot take this opportunity to control their tutors by acting up and "bullying" their tutors and profs into giving them free rides.

Very often, the people that get neglected are one of two things. Afraid to get help from a professional counsellor due to the social stigma that is attached to it. Or they just simply don't realise that they have a problem to begin with, until they just snap from the pressure.

I think although people are a lot more open-minded about the idea of counselling, it is the fear of the reactions of the people around them. "How will my friends react when they find out I'm having these problems?" "Will they treat me any different?" Sometimes, people will tend to overreact to those facing serious issues by treating them overly nice. By doing things that they would not normally do and trying too hard to be "correct" in what they say and how they say it. And I think for most of us, that would just make us even more uncomfortable. And it's that fear of segregation, that fear of being different that make many reluctant to get the help that they need. The herd effect is just too strong that no one would willingly let himself stand out from the crowd especially for someone facing a situation where he needs professional help which, like I mentioned earlier, still holds a social taboo.

Of course, there are also individuals out there that do not realise that they have a problem, or do not wish to acknowledge that they have a problem. Psychological problems do not always manifest themselves in the form of nightmares or changes in behavior or whatever symptoms society has branded upon it and in fact, I do believe that a person facing depression can be just as cheerful and chirpy as always. A facade is not always as easy to penetrate as people think. One could probably put on a front so convincing that he even convinces himself that it is the truth. The problem is that often, it only takes the slightest catalyst to incite Armageddon.

Columbine High, Virginia Tech. Names that have won fame for all the wrong reasons. Most recently, Albertville-Realschule school in Germany. Students that have snapped from the stresses of school and societal issues. One can only wonder why. Were these people's lives so out of their control that they chose to end them in such tragic circumstances? Their cries for attention were dearly bought. With their own blood and the blood of others. Was it because no one would give up time to hear them out or because they themselves would not bear their souls to those listening? The problem facing those trying to prevent more incidents like these, and others like the incidents closer to home, is that no one can definitely answer that question. One can only speculate the motive and the catalyst behind such a fallout. And the fact that these unhappy souls are not around to tell their stories, just makes things harder for those willing to help to help.

It is strange how people react to news of such occurrences. Jokes and nervous laughter to try and dull the inner emotions. It's almost like trying to deny that there is a problem out there by hiding it behind a smile. Maybe it's not just the individual that puts up a facade, but society as a collective putting up a fake image of tranquility.

Kakorrhaphiophobia

"If it's not happy, it's not the ending."
- excerpt from Sleepless Town: the Musical


No. That's not the sound I make when I sneeze. And no, I did not make that word up.

Kakorrhaphiophobia is actually the fear of rejection/failure and I think to some extent all of us suffer from it. Some more than others and some with more drastic symptoms than others.

I think that the main problem I have in life is the inability to put myself out there for fear of rejection or failure. Hence the title of my post. Why would I say such a thing about myself? Well, when I look back in life, I find that most of the decisions that have changed my life have been made using the possibility of failure to rule out all other options. Like in secondary school when choosing O level combinations. I decided not to take trip science even though many of my teachers insisted that I should. Likewise, I did not take Lit because I felt that even though I enjoyed it, it was not an easy subject to score in. Thus the safe simple route was to stay in combined science and just cruise through instead of pushing myself further. Even in CCA, I decided on the safe and relatively commitment-free IT club and not the drama club.

Even in school locations, I've been very "safe". I've stayed in the serangoon area for pretty much as far back as I have clear memories of. And all my schools from primary school to JC have been within 10 mins from home. 10 mins walking, that is. NTU is probably the furthest I've been from home to study.

For those that know me well, they'll know that rejection and failure have been major shackles that have bound me in more ways than one and in more than one aspect in my life.

As much as it is true that I should not let myself be restricted by my Kakorrhaphiophobia, I just have this gut feeling that this whole escapade is going to break my heart.

But that might just be my Kakorrhaphiophobia talking. I like using the word "Kakorrhaphiophobia". It's just a ctrl+v away.
Kakorrhaphiophobia Kakorrhaphiophobia Kakorrhaphiophobia Kakorrhaphiophobia...
crap... now I'm just rambling.

Shredded

Excerpt from Mistaken; the Musical

I would tell her everyday just what she means to me.
And count the ways that I love her.
Live and breathe her.
Listen to her.
Speak to her.
Make her smile because her smile is the most beautiful thing in the world. I would tell her every night that I couldn’t live without her while she falls asleep in my arms.

Crunch time

Well. With Hall Prod finally over, I can at last get some time off to do some actual work and not be bothered with rehearsals and meetings and what not. And trust me, I have alot of catch up on. I'm doing a lot of tutorials from scratch and reading some of my lecture notes for the first time. But, if I had the choice, I wouldn't change a thing.

I wish I had the same passion for my studies as I have for everything else in life. I have so many things that I enjoy doing and I tend to concentrate on these stuff a lot more than I do my school work. Perfect example, I'm sitting here blogging with a half finished tutorial sitting in front of me.

Recently, I've been offered an opportunity to bring myself to a higher level in music and production. It's not a confirmed will-get kind of thing. But it's an open door nonetheless. An open door waiting for me to go through. And doors have been opening for me in other areas as well. It has come to the point that I can choose one and only one door to go through. And most likely, once I go through one door, all other doors will close to me.

That is the extent of the choice that is facing me at this point of time. Whether or not I can make it beyond each of the doorways is uncertain. As in, I cannot guarantee myself success in choosing one door over another. And I am still a Uni student first and foremost. My studies have really taken a hit with all the stuff that I've been doing over the past few months. I will have to really set my priorities straight even though I love what I'm doing outside much more than what I'm doing in school.

Sigh. As my neighbour said, it is not often people get the chance to do what they love as a profession. But inside, I know that often when people that pursue their passions in life, they often pay for it in other ways.