it was april 2003... a friday.... grandma's condition was getting bad... she was in pain... but as usual, she would never say it... she would never admit any discomfort so that we won't worry... but we did anyway... we decided to send her to the hospital so that they could check her up... i was having chinese tuition at the time when the ambulance came... i heard her groans of pain coming frm downstairs... totally couldn't concentrate on my lesson... until i couldn't take it...

i broke down... my tutor was so nice that she offered to come back another day... and i sat on the steps listening the commotion down, unable to bear to come down and watch my grandmother being carried away... after they left, i was alone in the house with my maid...

somehow i knew that that would be the last time that i see my grandma... i believe that it was Him trying to prepare me for the end.... i know it... i felt it in my heart... i called my friend... and for the first time i poured out and cried on the phone... and she was such a dear to listen to me.. and comfort me...

i told her that i had felt that this would be the last time that i saw her.... she tried to tell me otherwise... and i so wanted to believe what she was saying... but i knew that it wasn't true.... i wanted to banish that thought in my mind that my grandmother would not be coming home... i pleaded to Him not to take her now...
"not now.... pls Lord... not now..."

days passed... then my dad brought me the news.... she had gone into a coma... and it wasn't looking too good... we couldn't visit her cuz she was in ICU... my dad, my uncle and my grandpa were the only ones to visit her...



then it came... 23rd of april, 2003... i had gone to play bball with yuto and co... to try and take my mind off things... hadn't really worked though...
i took the bus back... 147 if i'm not wrong... as soon as i got off the bus, i saw the white marquee that had been set up at my house.... without reaching my house, i knew what had happened... desparately wanted not to believe it... praying my heart out that it wasn't so... my delusions of it being a party to celebrate her miraculous recover from the brink of death.... my footsteps slowed, my bag got heavy... i didn't want to go home to that... i didn't want to see the big wooden coffin in my living room... i trudged home...

the first person i saw was my uncle and my younger cousin... both of them didn't want to talk... den my grandfather came out frm the house to greet me at the door... at first he tried to scolded me for coming back late... trying to pretned that nothing had happened... but i knew that he wasn't really angry... just needed an outlet... den he hugged me and brought me into the house to view my grandmother in her coffin... he told me:" grandma isn't with us anymore."
he was sobbing... and i was doing my best to hold back and stay strong for him...

my grandaunt and uncle had flown all the way frm london where they stayed to try and see her before she passed on... but they came too late...

i was strong... i didn't show my pain...

then my sister came home... by the back door... so she didn't see the white marquee out front... the first thing she saw was the coffin... she cried on the spot... there was no holding back for me... i couldn't bear to see her cry like that... i sat alone in the corner of the house and cried til my eyes were dry... i had never cried like that before... even during all the tantrums that i was said to have thrown when i was a child... my grandaunt came and gave me tissues and my dad brought me to my room...

she was so peaceful... she was lying in her coffin with her beautiful smile... the one that sort of seemed to say:"why are you crying? i'll never really leave you."

in the next few days people streamed into the house to pay their final respects... the teachers that were under her when she was principal... ex-students that she had taught... TV news ppl that came to report her death... everyone that had known her...

i spent the whole day next to the coffin... i "talked" to her... the woman that had taken care of me thoughout my childhood... my surrogate mother... my teacher...
when i was young... i had a very bad case of asthma... and my doctor took me out of school... saying that i needed to be taken care of....
my parents were divorced... and custody of me and my sis was given to my dad... he had to work... so we were left in the care of my grandpa and grandma...

she was like my own personal nurse cum teacher cum parent... since i couldn't go to school... she home tutored me... she taught me what she could... and i couldn't have been in better hands... the ex-principal of Katong Convent during it's golden years.... and i prospered... i only attended pri sch during pri 5 and 6... my results.... A for english, A* for maths, A for science.. haha.. the only thing that she couldn't teach me was chinese... so i ended up with an E for that... not bad for a kid that stayed at home for almost the whole of pri sch huh... and i owe that all to her....

my grandmother....


and i didn't have the chance to say goodbye... i didn't have the chance to tell her how much she meant to me.... how much i had to thank her for... my doctor come for the wake... and he told me... "you are the one that will feel it the most"...
i don't know how true that was...



i loved her...

i love her...

and i will always love her...