Only Time Will Tell

Tweeting either makes you more efficient with your words or limits your attention span to 140 chars. I do miss blogging. So what has happened in the 4 months that I haven't blogged here? Lots and nothing at the same time.

Taking a leave of absence from school was probably the best and the worst thing that has happened to me. Strange is the duality of life, no? I really feel so much relief now and have realised how much I hated my life in school. I've never felt so out of my league in my whole life. Everything was so far beyond me that for the first time, I really felt that I had bitten off more than I could chew. I'm not trying to make excuses for my failures but I think that while I have the capability, my lack of drive and passion for the subject really pulled me almost to the brink of depression. I HATED waking up every morning. It sounds extreme, but I did. I hated the knowledge that another day of mathematical symbols and formulas awaited me in school. It left me thinking of the decision I made a long time ago. Interest and passion vs. aptitude and capability. I've always felt like I was an Arts student trapped in a Science student's body. I chose my course because of what I felt I was good in, though I did not have much of a liking for the subject, over something that I enjoyed but never seemed to excel in. And I got my ass handed to me in uni.

I'm sorry to say that my experience in Uni has been one of the worse that I can think of. I don't feel like anything that I've done in school or in hall has made a significant contribution to anyone at all. It's like all my efforts have gone to naught. To be honest, I don't feel any sense of achievement from any of the things that I've done in hall. Would I really call what I've done "accomplishments"? That word in itself implies some sort of progress or victory of sorts. But have I really changed anything? I don't think I have really. So what if I've been a major part of two original productions? So what if I recorded and released a soundtrack for one of them? So what if Mr Anthony Teo had such high praise for this year's production? So what if I've sang, played or emceed at almost all major hall events? I don't see any shift in hall to help promote the arts when we are obviously strong in that sense. We have a fantastic pool of dancers, musicians, singers, actors/actresses and experienced backstage crew. Instead a futile attempt at rising above mediocre in sports and recreational games. Nice. I would fight so hard to advocate such a shift, but I know I would not be of use in the politics of getting it done. I'm not one for niceties and diplomacy. I would blow my top at the first sign of stupidity. And deservedly because of that attitude, I'd probably get shot down the instant I showed anything less than perfection.

It's been almost a month since the applications to NIE closed. I still haven't heard any word from them. Honestly, I don't know what I'm going to do if I don't get into NIE. I don't have anything else in my life that I could work into becoming my career. Seriously, driftwood has more direction than I do. A few years ago, I could see where I wanted to be. Now that image is blurred beyond recognition. I don't see it anymore. It's the most fucked up feeling not knowing where you'll be 5 months down the road, let alone 5 years.

The problem with taking the straight and narrow path in life is that when you fall off, you don't have anything waiting for you or any way to get back on that path. It doesn't seem so straight to me now but it sure as hell is narrow. EM2 in primary school, Express stream in secondary school, JC for A levels and on to university. My education has been so mainstream that that's all I know. I've had the need or the urge to try something outside the four walls of my schools. And now I feel the consequences.

Have been considering doing something quite radical. I need to step out of this rut and what better way than to leave it all behind and start afresh. But it's an awesomely difficult decision to make. I'm just afraid that I spend so much time thinking about it that I forget to actually do something about it.