R.E.M.

Lots of churches nowadays preach about how great God is and how you're blessed you are. It's so easy to sing praises to God when everything is going good. It's easy to attribute all the goodness in your life to God's graces and how He's provided for you. But what about the bad things in life? What about the starving child with the vulture lurking over it?

Where is God in there? Where is He when a child of His needs Him the most?

I'm not trying to question His existence. I'm merely questioning His ways. I'm obviously not a starving child nor am I living in poverty. But like the child is without food, I am without reason. I feel disgusted with myself for likening my life to that of the child fighting for his life. But that's how I feel. I'm fighting for my life in a different way. I want to know where my place is in the world.

Honestly, I doubt I'd be too disappointed if He chose to take me from this world tomorrow. It's not like I'm doing much with my life right now. I don't see any point to what I'm doing here.

NO! I'm not saying that I wanna turn the world on its head and make everything better. But I wanna make a difference in the lives of the people around me. I wanna be that pillar that supports the people that I know no matter what happens in their lives. But just for now, I need to be a little selfish. I need to think about my own future before I can be there for everyone else.

If all my statements sound conflicted and there is no coherent flow to my post, there is a reason. It is this conflict internally that is turning my world upside down.

The fact that I don't know where I'm gonna be 5 years from now.

The fact that the road in front of me is darker than dark.

The fact that the unknown is not just in front of me but all around me at this moment.

The fact that no one knows who I am.

The fact that I don't know who I am.

The fact that I'm not strong enough on my own.

The fact that there's nothing for me to be strong for.

The fact that I've conned everyone (incl myself) that I'm happy the way things are.

These facts are making it impossible for me to see any light, heavenly or not, in life right now.

Where is God when the vultures are lurking over my malnourished soul? R.E.M. got it right. That's me in the corner. Losing my religion.