Can't Help Falling

It's been an awful semester for me. Emotionally, academically, socially, whatever I've done and not done. It's just been bad. I just feel that in the past few months, all I've been through is negative growth.

Since early in the sem, I've been in a regressive state. I've wanted so much to say what's been on my mind. But circumstance, though more often than not, excuses, have prevented me from relieving this pressure that I've been feeling for the past couple of months. We might as well be strangers. I really feel like we're living in different worlds now. It's an extremely unpleasant feeling to need someone more than they need you.

I can't seem to get myself to study either. It's like everything that I'm supposed to be learning in school is so far over my head that I automatically turn off. I think the worst part of it all is that I don't see any way out. I'm here at the verge of failing every single module I'm taking this sem and the more I look at the pile of notes in front of me, the less I feel capable of doing anything about it. It's just a downhill spiral that I don't know how to get myself out of.

Never short of negativity. I just can't seem to find a way around everything. It's an impossible task when you feel so passionate about something and no one else is willing to commit themselves to the level that you have. It's draining both mentally and physically.

I've just been stagnant in every area of my life. I have not done anything one could consider an accomplishment.

"You are my strength when I am weak
You are the treasure that I seek
You are my all in all"
- You are my All in All

These words have always given me comfort. When I mourned my grandmother's passing, when I was feeling down just before A's. But somehow it's failing me now. Have I gotten so low to the point that even words of worship can't salvage my situation?

King of kings

Heys! I'm back!

Anyone miss me?

No?

Awww. Damn.

It's been a hectic past month. What with holding meetings, canvassing for funds, school, lab reports (I could go on), workshops, performances, projects (I told you I could), etc etc etc (for the sake of your time I'll just stop there). And yes, I know the liberal use of brackets in that last sentence does look a little odd. But that's the fun of it isn't it?

Come to think of it, nothing much has changed in the past month of so. School stills sucks to high hell, Hall Prod's still frakking awesome, my personal life is still in shambles and facebook is still top of my most visited website list. Probably the only thing that has changed is amount of JD left in the bottle on the shelf above my desk and the fact that I'm out of beer.

I did, however, have an awesome time at the workshop on saturday that MTL organised. They managed to get Elaine Chan (of Dimsum Dollies fame) down and she spent some time with my three MDs and myself. It was amazing how under the right guidance, the creative juices were flowing and we came up with a really cool new verse for one of the songs that we're looking for on the new musical. It was seriously fun. To just sit down and write with a professional like her.

Student life is absolutely brilliant. It really is a blast. Cept for the studying bit. That kinda dampens the fun. Take that out, and everyone would wanna stay in school forever. But there is quite alot of shit that would need dealing with. Now, as a sophomore and as a co-chair of a committee, I realise there is quite a lot of pressure and expectation that comes with the position. At risk of sounding incredibly cheesy, I have to say that I miss the carefree days spent as a freshie. It just seems that everyone is so busy nowadays. There's hardly time for all of us to sit in the corridor and chillout like last year.

Whatever it is, there's change in the air.

Prodding Whores

Well. Finally. We've managed to settle our committee and now work can really begin on next sem's Hall Production. Exciting! It's been a tiring two days of interviews and deliberations but at least now that's all over, we can finally get down to doing some actual work. By work, I meant we can start full scale production. Don't get me started on school. Haha.

I'm really stressed about this year's production. I don't know about everyone else, but I do consider last year's production to be a resounding success. The fact that we received acclaim from external organisations and other theatre groups showed the level of musical we managed to develop from such a rag-tag group of people, most of us not having any prior experience in stage work. So the "valueaddedness" that we brought to LFT was fantastic. This year is a totally different story. We have so many freshies that have experience in theatre and who know what they are doing. So if we don't come up with something good, I would think that it would be a phenomenal waste of the talent and expertise that we have managed to bring into Hall Prod.

Obviously, as a co-Producer now, I would not want to see s.t.a.r. Productions take a fall during my tenure and I'm working my best to make sure that it doesn't. But having minimal exposure to stage before having joined last year, I think my biggest area needing improvement would be my foresight. With respect to a stage production, I have not yet developed an eye for seeing how things might go wrong and where that damn Murphy might step in and enforce his laws. So I'm just hoping and praying that I'll be able to get things right.

But after all's said and done, I do have to remind myself that I'm a student first and foremost. It's not that I like living in regret and wallowing in self-pity, but I really feel like I'm suffering in school. There is nothing in school that I really look forward to. I can work with my classmates, but they're just not the type of people that I typically gravitate to and so often I find myself heading directly back to hall after class instead of hanging out with them. It's not that I'm trying to be or that I am anti-social, but I just feel like I'm on a different frequency from everyone else. It's like in class when the rest of them start discussing some far off theorem or solving some unsolvable equation. I'm just sitting there while everything is going over my head and I'm totally lost in all the dy/dx-es and the integration and the Greek symbols so often used in physics and so on and so forth. This sem is looking like it might not be a good one for me academically. I'm just hoping my electives will be able to pull me up.

To be honest, I'm really confused right now. There are pluses and minuses in my life right now. But I haven't a clue about how positive or negative my life is right now. I just feel a certain hollowness about things right now that I don't how to fill. I wish I had the guts to take my life into my hands and do something. I just watched Apple's video of the talk MJ had with Keone Madrid and he said something that struck out to me. He said something along the lines of how talent is nothing unless you explore and develop it. I'm paraphrasing here so it's not an exact quote. I'm not trying to say that I'm uber talented and stuff, but what I mean is that when people mention my name, I don't want people to remember me as the guy that they thought had potential in something or other. I want people to remember me for having done something of significance and of meaning to them. I'm not looking for fame. Fame's overrated. I'm looking for the gratification that comes with having accomplished something. And I hope I'll find it someday.

Stronger than Yesterday

Yes. Britney totally rocks. Love her to bits. Schoolgirl outfits are totally right for the wrong reasons.

Anyway, Jash kinda blew. Haven't drank like that for a pretty long time and I guess there were a lot of things that I haven't settled internally. Can't believe I was stupid enough to crack like that. I guess I didn't realise that it was that much of an issue to me. I thought I was over it all. Trivial matters like that should not affect me to that kind of extent. I might have scared a few of my blockmates for which I sincerely apologize.

I guess karma did really come round to bite me in the ass. Break at the risk of being broken yourself.

I don't wish to indulge in self-praise, but I do like this piece I wrote a while back. Enjoy.

The Fool
Behind the seemingly happy facade
Beneath the lies that he spreads
Locked within the heavy heart
Lies nothing but a lonesome boy
Under the guise of a playful soul
Trapped by feelings left untold
Lost in his own ravished mind
All he hopes for but cannot find
No further than the apple from the tree
Yet farther than the eye can see
Hidden behind these shameless rhymes
Lying down to sleep, he cries
Not for silly dances in the rain
Not for the sake of a fool's game
But for the warmth of her tender touch
As she falls into slumber's silent arms

Wonderful Tonight

Yes! Finally something good to write about here.
We have (at long last) finished all the work on the Mistaken soundtrack!! Awesome. After all the months of slogging trying to get everyone down, the multiple layers we had record for each track, the reviewing of the edited tracks. It's finally done. Will be launching it during the FOC comm introduction night as a sort of publicity for Hall Prod so hopefully that will drum up some publicity as well as some revenue for Hall Prod. Really hope that this works out fine.

Plus, I had a really good talk with Apple over dinner and bounced ideas off him for next year's production. Ideas flowing left, right and centre. Amazing. Seriously need to do more of that if we're gonna come up with another solid performance. Yays! Excitement builds yet again. The many stages of production show their faces once again. The love stage, the love-hate stage, the hate-to-high-hell stage, the love-it-to-bits stage. Basically varying degrees of love and hate for Hall Prod. Aye. The mood swings begin.

Growing Pains

Yea. Everyone goes through some growing pains once in a while. Not just the physical pains but the emotional ones too. I hate blogging about stuff like this. But sometimes talking helps get things off your chest.

Don't you think it's pretty weird. Emotions are created in the brain and shouldn't really affect anything else. But you do seem to have actual heart pains when you go through tough times and emotionally draining periods. I doubt there is much physiological linkage between the heart and brain in terms of feelings and stuff, but it just happens yea?

I guess learning to deal with such events in life are all part of growing up. It doesn't mean that it doesn't suck big time to have to deal with them, but just know that you are not alone. When you think about how much your life sucks, just know that there is someone out that who has it way worse off than you do. Doesn't make the problems go away, but it sure as hell makes you feel slightly guilty for feeling so down.

I guess life's not too shabby for me. Like I told a friend, where you fall short, the Man upstairs comes in and fills up the void. Experienced first hand with my subject registration problems. It's in people that cannot make the mark that God does his most awesome work. And trust me, He's got plenty of work where I am concerned. I seem to falter every step of the way.

Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path. (Psalms 119:105)
That has to be one of my favourite bible verses and an excellent pick-me-up in my bad times. Hope it can do the same for you.

I guess the thing that brings me down sometimes is the feeling of being alone. Partially my fault cuz I'm way too insular to open up fully to other people. It may sound strange to some people, but despite the smiley happy exterior is a troubled being inside. Bottling up stuff is not good for you. It festers in you and develops into a full blown infection if you're not careful.

I might take a hiatus from blogging for a while. Cuz I like my blog to be a happy sunshine kind of place and not the emo kid kind. And so, if I don't have anything nice to blog about, I figure I just shouldn't blog at all. So there.

Synthetic Organism

Sometimes I really feel like Job. Obviously not to the extent of having my family and everything I own taken away from me. But I do sometimes feel like God is testing me. Distractions that are taking me away from the job at hand and my general inability to focus on what I'm supposed to be doing.

It's also at times like this when I turn back and look at my faith. I just can't forget everything, put my faith in God and pray that everything will be alright. I mean, it's not possible to do nothing all day but pray and then still expect to get As every exam. There has to be some amount of human effort involved. I don't pray for good grades. I pray for the strength and focus to do what is needed to get good grades. Even then, it wasn't enough.

Sometimes I ask Him, you could say I even beg Him. What do You need from me? What do I have to offer and where is my place? I've yet to get an answer.

My friend just commented on Facebook something along the lines of how we always seem to remember all the bad things in life, like our failures and our shortcomings, and forget all the wonderful things that have happened, like our victories and our good times. But, being the pessimist that I am, I also think that it is wrong to forever harp on the things that we have accomplished in life and forget about the times that we have not been able to live up to expectation. But you think that through our failures, we can find ways to victory?

Sure it's easier said than done. I'm not the only one that knows that through failure we learn the way to success. But I just don't seem to be able to implement those lessons learnt in my life. It's like I'm stuck in a never ending downhill spiral. Sure there are the ups here and there. But all that seems to come from those ups are a false sense of security and a faint hope that everything will be better from now on.

Sprinkle some Fairy dust, think happy thoughts and you can fly, you can fly, you can fly. Wish I could remain a boy just like Peter Pan.

Going out of my Mind

Ah fcuk it. No, seriously.

Bon Jovi has some of the best rock balland lyrics ever. Was listening to Bed of Roses over and over again. Like woah.

Can I drown my sorrows at the bottom of a bottle of JD? Cuz alcohol is sorrow's only nemesis.

Dammit. Don't feel like writing anything.

Zac! Eat Sam's shorts.

Check this out. Bloody good stuff. Had me laughing all the way thru... Awesomely funny musical.

Headaches Aplenty

Take two panadols and see me in the morning.

Unfortunately, my headaches are that easy to get rid of. It's kind of a turbulent time with all the talks about Hall Allocation and stuff. Who gets to stay next year and who doesn't. I'm kinda miffed (putting it lightly) at the way that certain priorities were set this year. I'm not being biased cuz of my position or anything. But I think there was totally no consideration for our hall's strong points and for the people that have contributed so much. Sigh. Shall not get into it. I'm not a politically inclined person so I won't get into details about what I think. I'm the type that if I feel strongly enough for something, I will say my mind even if it's not the "politically-correct" thing to say.

Arrh... Fuck it lah. I'll take two tequila shots over those panadols anyday.