Late Night Catharsis [TL; DR]

So I haven't logged on here in forever. Hopefully all the people that ever followed this blog have now forgotten about it and given up all hope of ever seeing an update. And that for me is a good thing. I don't really want or need anyone to read this but I just have to get it out of my system.

I have so many unresolved issues that I'm struggling to face right now. And that's not even the problem. I just can't get over the fact that it's my own personal weakness that's holding me from even meeting the problems head on. And that's what gets to me the most. Every time I see a news article or a YouTube video about some person facing a mountain of difficulties and yet possessing that inner courage to press on and overcome the odds, I can't help but feel a whole lot of self-loathing. Their stories make my problems seem so minuscule and so incredibly trivial compared to the roadblocks that they have faced and defeated. And yet I still find myself up at 3 in the morning unable to sleep thinking about the molehills that I call mountains.

First up, I FUCKED up my life. And that is not even a matter of opinion and perception. This is an unavoidable fact. I have been given so many opportunities to succeed and make something of myself and I just squandered them aimlessly. Maybe the problem was that I was so aimless that I didn't have a direction to take me over the quagmire of the Swamp of Despair. But that's just the excuse that I tell myself to help me get to sleep at night. I have so many people to apologise to for having mistakenly investing in me emotionally and financially (most of whom was my father) that I cannot even begin to repay my debt to them.

It's that feeling of being more of a liability than an asset that brings me down. No matter how weak and insecure I may feel, I still have my pride and I cannot bear to let anyone take on the burdens that I have accumulated over the years. That's not just some macho wanna be superhero talk. It's not just that I don't want to have to owe someone, it's also that I hope to take care of the people in my life. And that thus far, I have failed miserably at doing.

This is the second time in my life that I have felt such godawful depression. The first being back in Uni. That was a sincerely miserable point in my life. The fact that I made such an awful decision on where to go and what to study has weighed heavily on me ever since. I hated myself and what I was studying with such vehement loathing that I swear I was going insane. One night while studying late through the night desperately trying to catch up with the rest of my class, I swear I saw Greek alphabets and different physics formulae lift right out of my textbook and go flying around my dorm room. I sincerely felt like riding my bike out, pushing it as fast as it could go and then flinging the handlebars in the hopes that my miserable existence would end on the spot. I still don't know why I never managed to bring up the courage to do it. Maybe it was yet another instance where my weakness couldn't bring me to do what was needed. Death would have been such sweet relief.

I still wish that my life would just cease to exist. Not even like a candle going out. A candle blown out still leaves a trail of smoke from the embers of the wick. To me, that's like the residue of a life. No matter how short-lived or mismanaged, you would have some impact in someone's life. Whether it's your close family or the people that you meet and connect with along the way. I would like to believe that there are people that will miss me and I would hate to put them through any pain. I want to vanish from memory and sight. I don't want to have anyone even remember encountering me and, in cliched depressive talk, I wish that I had never been born.

It seems so much easier that way and I hate that I'm weak enough to even think about something like that. But that molehill of regret and mistakes is looking a lot bigger than it used to.

That's just a fraction of what's in my head right now. I can't seem to get the rest of it out of my head and into words so let's just leave it at that. While it feels good to talk to nobody in general, and as good as shouting all your frustrations out across an empty valley feels, it really does not do anything to help the situation. And on the off chance that someone was in that empty valley and heard my screams, I thank you for making it this far through my cathartic rant. Much of it flowed easily out of my head, others were secrets that I kept for a long time trying to maintain my calm exterior. Yet another of my flaws is the subconscious need to constantly bottle up feelings for fear that people may latch on to these insecurities and actually try to help (it's strange how much I know about myself and how little I do to help my situation). This rant serves as a pressure release valve on my emotional pressure cooker. In hopes that I do not eventually explode, I might have to do another one of these rant posts again. I would rather that you do not even come this far through one of them and instead just realise that this is just something I have to do.