R.E.M.

Lots of churches nowadays preach about how great God is and how you're blessed you are. It's so easy to sing praises to God when everything is going good. It's easy to attribute all the goodness in your life to God's graces and how He's provided for you. But what about the bad things in life? What about the starving child with the vulture lurking over it?

Where is God in there? Where is He when a child of His needs Him the most?

I'm not trying to question His existence. I'm merely questioning His ways. I'm obviously not a starving child nor am I living in poverty. But like the child is without food, I am without reason. I feel disgusted with myself for likening my life to that of the child fighting for his life. But that's how I feel. I'm fighting for my life in a different way. I want to know where my place is in the world.

Honestly, I doubt I'd be too disappointed if He chose to take me from this world tomorrow. It's not like I'm doing much with my life right now. I don't see any point to what I'm doing here.

NO! I'm not saying that I wanna turn the world on its head and make everything better. But I wanna make a difference in the lives of the people around me. I wanna be that pillar that supports the people that I know no matter what happens in their lives. But just for now, I need to be a little selfish. I need to think about my own future before I can be there for everyone else.

If all my statements sound conflicted and there is no coherent flow to my post, there is a reason. It is this conflict internally that is turning my world upside down.

The fact that I don't know where I'm gonna be 5 years from now.

The fact that the road in front of me is darker than dark.

The fact that the unknown is not just in front of me but all around me at this moment.

The fact that no one knows who I am.

The fact that I don't know who I am.

The fact that I'm not strong enough on my own.

The fact that there's nothing for me to be strong for.

The fact that I've conned everyone (incl myself) that I'm happy the way things are.

These facts are making it impossible for me to see any light, heavenly or not, in life right now.

Where is God when the vultures are lurking over my malnourished soul? R.E.M. got it right. That's me in the corner. Losing my religion.

Only Time Will Tell

Tweeting either makes you more efficient with your words or limits your attention span to 140 chars. I do miss blogging. So what has happened in the 4 months that I haven't blogged here? Lots and nothing at the same time.

Taking a leave of absence from school was probably the best and the worst thing that has happened to me. Strange is the duality of life, no? I really feel so much relief now and have realised how much I hated my life in school. I've never felt so out of my league in my whole life. Everything was so far beyond me that for the first time, I really felt that I had bitten off more than I could chew. I'm not trying to make excuses for my failures but I think that while I have the capability, my lack of drive and passion for the subject really pulled me almost to the brink of depression. I HATED waking up every morning. It sounds extreme, but I did. I hated the knowledge that another day of mathematical symbols and formulas awaited me in school. It left me thinking of the decision I made a long time ago. Interest and passion vs. aptitude and capability. I've always felt like I was an Arts student trapped in a Science student's body. I chose my course because of what I felt I was good in, though I did not have much of a liking for the subject, over something that I enjoyed but never seemed to excel in. And I got my ass handed to me in uni.

I'm sorry to say that my experience in Uni has been one of the worse that I can think of. I don't feel like anything that I've done in school or in hall has made a significant contribution to anyone at all. It's like all my efforts have gone to naught. To be honest, I don't feel any sense of achievement from any of the things that I've done in hall. Would I really call what I've done "accomplishments"? That word in itself implies some sort of progress or victory of sorts. But have I really changed anything? I don't think I have really. So what if I've been a major part of two original productions? So what if I recorded and released a soundtrack for one of them? So what if Mr Anthony Teo had such high praise for this year's production? So what if I've sang, played or emceed at almost all major hall events? I don't see any shift in hall to help promote the arts when we are obviously strong in that sense. We have a fantastic pool of dancers, musicians, singers, actors/actresses and experienced backstage crew. Instead a futile attempt at rising above mediocre in sports and recreational games. Nice. I would fight so hard to advocate such a shift, but I know I would not be of use in the politics of getting it done. I'm not one for niceties and diplomacy. I would blow my top at the first sign of stupidity. And deservedly because of that attitude, I'd probably get shot down the instant I showed anything less than perfection.

It's been almost a month since the applications to NIE closed. I still haven't heard any word from them. Honestly, I don't know what I'm going to do if I don't get into NIE. I don't have anything else in my life that I could work into becoming my career. Seriously, driftwood has more direction than I do. A few years ago, I could see where I wanted to be. Now that image is blurred beyond recognition. I don't see it anymore. It's the most fucked up feeling not knowing where you'll be 5 months down the road, let alone 5 years.

The problem with taking the straight and narrow path in life is that when you fall off, you don't have anything waiting for you or any way to get back on that path. It doesn't seem so straight to me now but it sure as hell is narrow. EM2 in primary school, Express stream in secondary school, JC for A levels and on to university. My education has been so mainstream that that's all I know. I've had the need or the urge to try something outside the four walls of my schools. And now I feel the consequences.

Have been considering doing something quite radical. I need to step out of this rut and what better way than to leave it all behind and start afresh. But it's an awesomely difficult decision to make. I'm just afraid that I spend so much time thinking about it that I forget to actually do something about it.

Butterflies on the other side of the world

"It is another Malay winnder but it does not bother me much because my ricebowl is not affected by it"
XXXX, MAE, Yr 4, 24
This was in response to the result of the recent Singapore Idol final where the winner was the third Malay, male winner in a series that is only three seasons old.

This disturbs me quite a bit (even though it has absolutely no effect on my ricebowl). While it is a very practical point of view, it is also quite discouraging that some people do not take any interest in the world around them unless they are directly affected by the matter. NO! I'm not saying that Singapore Idol and its result are the most important thing in the papers though I do have my own opinion on the result. But the part that troubles me the most is the "because my ricebowl is not affected by it" mentality.

It is a mentality that not only shrinks your world down to the problems that you physically can see and touch, but also shortens the length of time into the future that you will be able to foresee. I am not by any means suggesting that we should all poke our noses into any and every little thing that we hear about, but a healthy interest in the world is very necessary I feel. Just because it doesn't directly affect your ricebowl at this point of time doesn't mean that it might not in time to come.

Simple example. Global warming and climate change. A few years ago, it was something that little people bothered about and even fewer even mentioned in conversation. But now with the Copenhagen climate talks where world leaders are discussing the possiblility of economic measures to stop climate change, everyone is starting to take more interest. Why? Because people are starting to realise that IT DOES affect their ricebowls now.

In all honesty

I don't know why. But I just feel extraordinarily miserable tonight.
It's not something that I know how to express at all. For once, I'm lost for words.
I know I have many friends who would be willing to hear me out. But I wouldn't know what to tell them anyway. Leaving is never easy. And that is the way it should be, else no one would want to stay anywhere. But when leaving is the right thing to do? What then?

I want it all to go away.