On the way to Academic excellence?

NOT!!!

Totally funny. I went for computing lecture today in the hopes of packing some last minute info into that little space between my ears. All in the hope that it may help my chances of survival during this Saturday's computing mid-term (yes! my computing mid-term paper is on a Saturday. wtf!).

Was so proud of myself. I actually managed to follow the lecture and write a proper code on my lappie. And it wasn't just headless-chicken typing. I knew what I was typing. Awesome eh? For a moment, I thought I might have a chance of avoiding impending doom.

UNTIL...

(you knew that this "UNTIL" was coming. don't act so surprised)

Until the end of the lecture. The lecturer flashes a slide with the info on the mid-term paper. "Topics Covered: Chapters 1-7".
I look at my notes and realise that what was covered today was Chapter 8. The uncontrollable stream of "fuck"s and other varied obscenity was largely frowned upon by those sitting around me. Oh well...

My computer lecturer is interesting. Not in terms of content. Rather in general appearances. He looks like Wang Fei Hong and talks like Adolf Hilter. It's the kind of cross-pollination that has your mind swirling. Honestly...

PISSED OFF!!

Dammit. It's been a terrible week thus far. My back's been killing me, my four day old cough is not getting any better and the flu isn't doing me any good as well..

I've accomplished NOTHING in way of actual work during recess week.

I can't get to sleep either. It's 2 am and I'm still awake cuz everytime I lie down, I'll start coughing and hacking up phelghm. Am I grossing you out? Well, try being me and see how you feel.

I'm just plain pissed off. Feel like screaming out my frustrations, but it would come out as an awful sounding hack instead of a proper scream of anguish. So that's just plain not worth it, is it now.

I can't even win at mahjong! I lost like 18 bucks on Monday. And we were playing a small game.

It's just not been my week. I thought I'd never say it, but I can't wait for school to start again next week. Get back some sense of normality in this place.

Weather Forecast: Clouded Minds in the Early Afternoon

I don't know. And I've not known for a long time. Why does life seem so easy for some and yet is such a struggle for others. I can't say that my life is unbearable but neither is it a breeze. I just don't know what to do anymore.

Am I really studying what I want? Am I living my life the way I want to?

I just find that the more questions I answer, the more questions come up. And everytime I think I've found the right answer, the more it seems that it's the wrong one.

The Big Bong Theory

I know it's an age old arguement. But it's nice to revisit old friends once in a while.

I came across something today in my chem lecture notes that really got me thinking. According to Dalton's Atomic Theory, atoms cannot be destroyed, CREATED or transformed into atoms of other elements. In saying that, he is saying that since the beginning of the Earth and the universe, there have been the same number of Oxygen atoms, the same number of carbon atoms, the same number of hydrogen atoms and so on and so on. So how in the world did these atoms get “created” if by your theory, atoms can't be created. Most physicists take the Big Bang theory to be true. But honestly, what is the theory saying. It's saying that out of nothing there was a BANG and then the universe was there. Ermm. And they say that theologists are irrational.

I honestly cannot say for sure where I stand on the topic because as a scientist, I'd like to think that everything can be explained using simple logic and not having to bring in an unknown quantity known as “God”. But as a Catholic, my faith is what drives me and I do believe that there is a Guy up there looking over me.

I've found on thing about science students. I'm not too sure about all scientists but this is what I can observe from the people in my course. I find that science students have a tendency to be non-team players. As in most would rather rely on themselves and their own capabilities and not have to depend on the efforts of others. In a sense, that can be good as it's a motivation to do better on a personal level. But on a larger scale, who can call themselves an island. There has to be some kind of interaction with the world around you.

I have a thoery on this. Don't worry, there are no large explosions out of nothing or talk of what atoms are made of. I think that as scientists, we are trained to remove variables. When we are forming equations, we would like to use as little variables as possible and if there are any, we would like to make sure that we have as accurate a figure as possible. So scientist, science students included, have a tendancy to remove unknown variables from the equation of life. Unknowns make equations and solving of equations difficult. So why introduce them at all? Why not just cut them all off and use the variables that you know? Like how hard you work and how seriously you take this project.

I'm not saying that scientists are anti-social. I'm just saying that they don't like unknowns. But once a variable is know to them, they are more than willing to make use of them. It may be harder to get into their equations but finally, the impact that your known variable will make is remarkable.

And so the shit hits the fan

Man. My whole life has become centered around school. And hall. All my time seems to be spent doing various uni activities. I haven't even trailed for about two months already and met the north riders like once only since school has started.

I think it's really high time for me to start gaining momentum. The rest of my cohort taking the same course as me seem to be freakin' brilliant. My tutorials are spent trying to copy down answers while they fire away about some distant concept and formula. Maths is where I feel it the most. I just had the most demoralising maths quiz on wednesday about limits. I just sat at my desk in stunning silence as the rest were scribbling away on the way to solving and getting full marks. I honestly did not know how to even start.

sigh.

Shot thru the Brain and I'm to blame

At the end of last week, I can honestly say that I was depressed. Not to the point of being clinically depressed but morale was low in the Bong camp. Every single day of the week, I'd gone to class and just sat there in stunned silence as the class continued to discuss concepts that were flying over my head (have you seen Jeff Dunham's Peanut? rreeoowww...). It's not a good feeling. But what am I to do? I don't really have a lot of things going on. Just the pageant thing. But that's taking up like most of my time. Sleeping at 2, waking up at 7.30, class all day, dinner at 6, pageant training at 8, finish training at 1. Every single day.

I'm barely meeting assignment deadlines. Actually I've already missed a few. I can't even stay awake long enough during lectures for the lecturer to read the lecture title. I've blogged about inertia before preventing me from getting started on many of my life objectives but now i realise how badly that inertia is affecting me. It's easy to say something and realise the gravity of the situation, but again, it's incredibly hard to go out and do something about it. I've thought about it through many a sleepless night here in hall, and I still can't get my engine started!

I think the worst blow to my morale is the fact that I came into Physics after a highpoint in my JC when I was doing pretty well for Physics. I felt confident of coming to uni and being able to perform. But getting that reality check of what Uni physics is like was like slamming into a brick wall. It's really hitting me hard. I just feel like screaming to let out the frustration that's building up in the inside.

Feeling brain dead. Wishing I was...

What is MY destiny?

In Greek mythology, the Fates were these three women that spun, measured and cut lengths of string that symbolised one's life, immortal or mortal. They would decide how long your string would be and how it intertwined with the other pieces of string that they cut. It was said that even Zeus was subject to the influence of the Fates' weaving.

It really makes you wonder. What if there really are three women somewhere on some island, long forgotten by the likes of the mortals living on this earth, spinning and weaving the threads of life into the most intricate web of connections, chance meetings and fleeting encounters. Have you ever walked past someone in a crowded place, turned around to get a second look only to find that she has disappeared into the crowd never to be seen again? That brush of your two strings coming into contact but not woven together is something inexplicable.

Being the day dreamer that I am, I've always imagined myself surfing the web of lives that the Fates are constantly weaving. Going from one life to another at the instant that they brush against each other. Imagining myself living out their lives, living their encounters and again skipping along to the next person as they walk past each other, interacting only with their eyes. And finally getting back to my life as the connections eventually connect to a brief encounter with the empty shell that is my body.

Yet another day dream I have again involves me leaving my body and floating through the void in time-space looking at the tapestry that the Fates weave. Trying to find the line that is mine is impossibly hard and even when I do find a section of it, it's impossible to follow. Desperately trying to figure out how my life continues, my eyes scan over the incomprehensible design that emerges from the loom. Strings of different colours, lengths, thicknesses. All combine to form a picture that is a work of art though you cannot explain why. As your eyes pass over the weave, your eyes see but your mind is unable to process what you're seeing and you forget what you have seen in the web the moment your eyes pass over it.

The Fates return to the room and catch me trying to understand their logic and patterns. They chase me out of the room and I'm left outside attempting to recall whatever I have seen. But nothing seems to come to me.

What is our destinies? Are we controlled by some immortal beings that twist and tangle our lives to a whim? Or do we really have control over what we do?

Are our decisions already made for us by destiny or to we have to ability to change where our strings are headed and take into our hands what we truly want?

Questions, though rhetorical, that are important that we answer for ourselves. The irony of my last statement does not escape me. For I myself have not taken my life fully under my control. My string is still being shifted and woven by forces unseen and hands controlled by others. When is it too late for me to take control? What is MY destiny?

Randoms

Every now and then, life get's complicated. It's not anything major but all the small little things that add up and form just one big mess.

In hall there are tons of cats that just amble around daily, meowing when they want food and perching themselves on ledges and stuff surveying their "kingdoms". Sigh. If only our lives could be as carefree as that. I guess that just comes with the territory as a sentient being. Knowing and understanding your surroundings in such an abstract manner is both a blessing and a curse. Many animals communicate through obvious and standard sets of actions and vocalisations. But humans have this tendancy to pass messages through often unseen and unheard mediums.

We are not telepathic!! At least not most of us. Mostly, we're just PATHEtic. That we all imagine ourselves here on Earth to fulfil some great destiny and become legends. I don't understand what is wrong with just BEING. No, I did not omit anything. I mean being as in just existing in this Earth for sole purpose of taking up otherwise unused space. What's with all the politic-ing and the scheming, etc? Why can't we all just exist together.

Enough randoming. It's 5.30 and I have lecture in 4 hrs. Bah!

[edit] [15/08/2008 @ 1424h] I missed the leacture. zzzzz.... [/edit]

Arggh!!

The first week of school has been kinda weird. Mixed feelings. It was nice to get back to some form of intellectual stimulation but at the same time, my mental inertia is not letting me get anything substantial into my head. honestly, hall life is a little stressful. you gotta think about how to get enough points to stay in hall. and then you obviously have to contend for modules. and keep your grades up (which is the main reason that you're there, lest ye forget).

hall camp was seriously fun. had to throw away one of my singlets cuz it was too far beyond saving. with the flour and the eggs and the tao yu and the chilli sauce and whatever other nonsense they threw on us, my singlet actually went stiff.

but as a new week looms around the corner, the realisation of how much my timetable actually sucks is beginning to set in. on Mondays, i have four hours of lab work, an hour's break and lectures for another four hours. DIE!!! my Tuesdays are completely different. a two hour lect in the morning after which i have to wait till 1630h for my next class. Super WTF right?

sigh....

And so it begins....

Have been watching a lot of The Big Bang Theory lately. It's this kinda new sitcom about two roommates, an experimental physicist and a theoretical scientist, who come home one day to find that this hot single white female, played by Kaley Cuoco (whoa!), has moved into the apartment across the hall from them. They're totally awkward socially and so the series revolves around the "beauty" and the "geeks", so to speak, and how Leonard, the physicist, falls for her and tries to woo her.

What's kinda scary is that I kinda relate to the geeks and their definitions of fun, except not to the extent of having Halo nights once a week. (Firstly cuz I don't have an Xbox. Hint hint..) And the fact that I'll be studying physics as my major. So I shall be avoiding theoretical scientists like the plague and I certainly will not be rooming with them.

School's gonna start in about two weeks and I'll be moving into my new room tomorrow with Loba (who's taking mechanical eng so that's totally diff from theoretical science. I hope?) and as daunting as that sounds, it's made even worse by the fact that the only thing I've studied in the past two years in my driving basic theory book. And I didn't make it past the first chapter of that.

Well. Like at every stage of my education, I have to start off the term with the promise to myself that I'll be diligent in my work, finish all tutorials and assignments on time and leave some time for me to have a life (with or without an Xbox). And again, like at every stage of my education, I have to tell myself not to make promises that I can't keep. So this whole paragraph is sort of a +1-1= 0 kinda thing. Argh.

One thing that I'm excited about going back to school is the prospect of intellectual stimulation. I've been effective brain dead for the past two years and that the SAF claims your brain along with your pink IC when you get enlisted didn't help me one bit. Doing sudoku puzzles are not ideal ways of keeping the mind active either cuz they're not really puzzles once you know the technique of solving them. It's too uniform and so strictly bound by rules that slotting numbers in gets a little boring after a while. So actual science would be a welcome change from viewing the world in 9 3x3 boxes with the numbers 1 to 9 floating around.

Aaaah. Will be having hall orientation for practically the whole of next week. So the next time I blog, I should have settled down nicely into my new room. Cheers to that.

Have a lot of things lined up in the next two to three weeks, including weekends that I've already begun to lose track of what's what and when's what. I would use my organiser. But I've gone and lost it. Double ARGH. With a capital ARGH.

I leave with a quote from this book that I'm reading called "Anansi Boys" by Neil Gaiman. "Things. They came up. That's what things do. They come up. I can't be expected to keep track of them all."

And that's the excuse I'll be using for the next two weeks.