Shawty got low....

It's not my habit to blog so often. But I really have stuff to get off my mind.
I have without a doubt lost my direction in life (please no wisecracks about gothere.sg). My idealistic ass stepped out of JC thinking that I could take on the world only to get turned around and kicked by life's big boot. I thought I had a career goal, a path for me to follow but I did not consider the possibility of failure. It is of course a failure on my part that got me here but it's so hard to pick myself up now that I'm down.

I'll like to be bitter now and blame it on everyone else. So many people, teachers, ex-colleagues and relatives, told me before I started school how uni was the best time of their lives and how A Levels would probably be the biggest hurdle to me. How wrong they were. Uni is turning out to be a nightmare. And I don't know what I'm doing anymore.

I wouldn't go as far as to say that I have a problem psychologically. I don't think it goes as far as being clinically depressed. But I do not feel like the person I was a few years ago. Is this what maturity is like? Realising the cold hard truth that is the world. If so, give me back my youth. When my only worry was trying to kick a tennis ball through a goal post consisting of someone's white canvas school shoes. Now that's a worthwhile pursuit.

My friend once asked me why all the songs I play are so sad and "emo". He was using my computer 'cause his died on him and I was on my bed randomly playing my guitar. It was only then that I realised all the songs that I play ARE sad and "emo". Even the songs that I write. "Teardrops" from a few years back. Well, it's in the title. "The Biggest Mistake" from Mistaken; the Musical. Again in the title. I'm good at writing songs that emote feelings of regret, unrequited love, heartache. Nothing in there about the joys of being with someone you love or the happiness that life brings. It's that downward spiral of negative emotions that is defeating my spirit and drive.

Talent is nothing if you don't develop it and mould it into something more. While I agree with that statement, it also has to be acknowledged how difficult it is to survive in Singapore and get paid for creative work. I'm not trying to say that I'm uber talented or something (my skin is not that thick). But I do wish that I could take my passion futher and do something with it in life. That's why I really want to do something special for Musical Theatre's musical festival. Who knows. It might be a breakout event for me? Or it could end up to be the biggest and only thing I ever do. I'll never know until I try.

Yes folks. Believe or not it's another bitch-about-my-life post from me. Totally not my style. I just feel an emptiness inside like nothing I'm doing now is making a difference. I'm not self-centered enough to say that the world will stop spinning unless I continually strive at conserving its rotation. But I would like to say at the end of my time on this Earth, that I have made a significant contribution to someone's life and wellbeing. And I feel that what I'm doing now has no bearing on that goal for me.