:: Superhuman powers ::
with the power to infuriate me just by saying my name [albeit saying it many many many times in the span of a few minutes], with the uncany ability to pick out the one thing that can irritate me like nothing else can and with the power to say the stupidest things at the most impossibly wrong time.

none other than my old man.

without any intention ofsounding like the billions of other angsty teens complaining 24/7 about their parents, i just have to vent out. i really blew-up in his face today. i spent the night out and was really tired so i took a nap till dinnertime. suddenly he bursts into my room waking me up and says let's go buy dinner. obviously having just been roused, i'm not in exactly the best of moods. then he decides it'll be fun to start calling my name until i get up and go buy dinner with him. it comes to a point when i have totally woken up and am in the toilet washing my face [please bear in mind that all this while he has been repeatin my name over and over and over etc] when i just completely can't take and snap. i storm out of the bathroom and yell at him. what's your fucking problem, can't you just wait.

if i was in another body and looking in on the exact same situation i would have stared and thought what a fucking brat that guy was being. but i don't think that anyone can really understand the relationship that i have with my dad.

every since i was very young, i've never really felt that much of an attachment to my father. he always seemed distant. like he was there yet he wasn't. he spent almost the whole day in his office and when he was at home, he holed himself in his room reading his books. i really hated those books. it made me feel like he prefered to be with them rather than his own children. so naturally i withdrew from him.

it was only til recent years that i think i could talk to him. but up til now i still feel that my relationship with my dad is shallow. we make small talk when we watch tv together but i can never discuss anything serious with him. it's not to say that i haven't tried. i have but he has this flaw which makes him a very difficult person to talk to. he just doesn't know how to listen. he hears you alright but that is completely different from listening to what you have to say. i can bet you that he knows nothing about my life. he doesn't know what kind of person i really am.

what does he know about the growing pains that i have experienced except when i implode from the bottled up feelings? i just don't feel comfortable talking to him about stuff like what i wanna do after i finish uni or about my feelings i have for this girl that i know. or anything for that matter.

and this distance is not just a one-way street. he doesn't bother to tell me about himself either. he doesn't share his problems that he faces at work with us. his own family. if you can't open to your own flesh and blood, who else can you turn to? he's a single guy and has been for a very long while. i don't think that he is that pathetic not to have meet certain special people over the years but i'm never heard of one of them let alone met anyone. mabye i'm wrong. maybe he hasn't had a date in over a decade but the thing is i don't know cuz he won't confide in us.

he is a very frustrating man. it's not that he does anything massively wrong but it's all the niggly bits that irritates the hell out of you. if it wasn't for the fact that he is my father and that i am principled enough to understand the need for children to be filial to their parents, i don't know how i would have survived up til now without strangling him.

there are day when i just wanna pack up all my stuff and just leave. just leave all this behind and live in my own self-sustaining world.